Go Ahead and Pout, Go Ahead and Cry

OK, everybody quiet down. The Los Angeles City Santa is here, he’s backstage, and he’ll be listening to your requests in just a minute, so please line up and the elf will escort you to Santa when it’s your turn.

I know you’ve been waiting all morning, but the line is very long, so please make your wish brief. Santa hasn’t got all day, and he’s due at a staff meeting at 4.

Also, please read the disclaimer posted at the front of the line. Basically, it says that your wish is not binding on Santa, and that Santa is not liable in the event any wish he fulfills does not meet specifications or expectations. Santa also reserves the right to refuse service to anyone. And last--no shoes, no shirt, no Santa.

Everybody clear? OK, now you first--up you go.

Ho ho ho, what’s your name? What can Santa to do for you?

I’m Susan Kent, the head librarian. Santa, people in Queens get almost three times as much spent on them for library books and magazines and CDs than people in L.A.--and that’s where the Mets play. The measly $2 and change which we get per person won’t even buy a Time magazine off the newsstand. Please, Santa, raise my budget for books and stuff. I promise not to spend it all on Harry Potter.

Thanks for telling Santa. And who’s this? You’ve got a fire helmet--do you want to be a fireman?

I am a fireman. I’m William Bamattre, the fire chief. Santa, I want as much improved response time as you can manage. And a lot more paramedics. People could wind up dying out there. We can really make a dent in this for maybe $11 million. Pleeeease.

You’ve been a good fire chief this year. Santa will see what he can do. Next?

Santa, I’m Manuel Mollinedo and I run the zoo, and let me say that if your reindeer need any R&R; after the holidays, they’re welcome to spend some time with us.

Very thoughtful of you. What do you want from Santa?

We need another $2 million for a new gorilla exhibit. Our gorillas are smart, and they’re bored, and they’ve been escaping. One fished some pizza out of a trash can; we’re worried sick about her cholesterol. And then there’s our zoomobile for inner-city children. . . .

Kid, I like what I’m hearing, but I gotta long line. What about you?

My name is Ellen Stein; I’m the head of the Board of Public Works. Santa, my wish is to fix every street and every sidewalk and every pothole and trim every tree in L.A.

That’s a wonderful wish, but Santa’s only got one night to pull this off, and he’s not made of money. And what about you, with the “No 102 Dalmatians” T-shirt?

I’m Dan Knapp, the head of animal services. I’d be happy with more portable stainless steel cages so we’d have room for sick puppies and kittens.

That’s it?

Well, if the sky’s the limit, I’d like a vet in every animal shelter, free spay and neuter services, and enough space that we don’t ever have to kill another pet again.

Son, you don’t need me, you need God. . . . What about you?

I’m Jim Hahn, the city attorney, Santa. I want to be mayor.

Save it for the Easter Bunny. That election’s not till spring. I’m the guy who comes down chimneys in December, remember?

Oops, wrong list. Here it is. I want our Kidwatch program expanded to every school, to train parents and volunteers to help kids walk safely to school and back.

Sounds good. Anything else?

I would like everybody to stop suing the city of L.A.

Dream on.

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That was brought to you by Santa, the fat guy in the red suit.

This is brought to you by the Grinch, the green guy in the blue uniform: Fuhgeddaboudit.

This year, the city cut $29,230,000 in checks to people suing for police malpractice in the Rampart scandal. By the time the counting and check-writing are done, we could be talking $125 million--and some people are whispering the b-word, billion.

Police Chief Bernard C. Parks said recently that policing is a high-risk, high-liability job--that a city can be on the hook even when police do their job right.

True, but not doing the job right costs devastatingly more. In four years, New York forked over $97 million in police brutality suits. In Chicago, it was $63 million for seven years. In 1992, L.A. paid out $21 million.

Money that could have gone to other uses. Money that could have filled the city Santa’s sack.

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Patt Morrison’s column appears Fridays. Her e-mail address is [email protected]