This Should Be No Place for a Ploy Named Sue

By RANDY HARVEY

April 26, 2000 12 AM PT

So Shaquille O’Neal has thrown down the gauntlet by calling Sacramento King Coach Rick Adelman an idiot.

Adelman’s next move is more clear than ever. He must sue.

Haul O’Neal before the bench and see if he can get away with those low-post moves with Judge Judy presiding. I guarantee you she does a better job controlling her court than Ed F. Rush does his.

Of course, if O’Neal were convincing enough in presenting his case, Adelman might then be compelled to prove he’s not an idiot. But I am almost certain he can do that.

The precedent for one sports figure suing another for defamation of character was set last week by Toronto Coach Butch Carter, who was upset because he was called a liar by New York Knick Marcus Camby.

Just what we need, more lawyers in sports.

Insults in the arena are hardly a novelty.

Among the most vicious I’ve ever heard were delivered by former Dallas Cowboy running back Duane Thomas, who called his general manager, Tex Schramm, “sick, demented and totally dishonest,” and his coach, Tom Landry, “a plastic man, not a man at all.” Schramm and Landry didn’t sue.

Former Cowboy linebacker Thomas Henderson once said Terry Bradshaw couldn’t spell cat “if you spotted him the ‘C’ and the ‘A.’ ” Bradshaw didn’t S-U-E.

George Steinbrenner called pitcher Hideki Irabu a “fat . . . toad.” Irabu didn’t sue.

Billy Martin, whom former Chicago sports columnist John Schulian once called “a mouse studying to be a rat,” called Reggie Jackson a “born liar” and Steinbrenner a “convicted felon.” Jackson didn’t sue. Steinbrenner couldn’t. Truth is the ultimate defense. But he did fire Martin.

Bobby Knight once told a room full of sportswriters that most people learn to write in the third grade and move on to more productive tasks. Sportswriters didn’t S-U-E.

Knight also called his biographer, John Feinstein, a pimp and a whore. Feinstein didn’t sue. “I just wish he’d make up his mind so I’d know how to dress,” Feinstein said.

A clever retort beats a lawsuit every time.

After San Diego’s Kurt Bevacqua called Lasorda a “fat Italian,” the Dodger manager retorted that Bevacqua “couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat.”

Joe Namath once said he detested being written about by “$100-a-week hacks.”

“I’m not a $100-a-week hack,” said an indignant Larry Merchant, who at the time was a Philadelphia sports columnist. “I’m a $200-a-week hack.”

Rod Carew asked Orange County Register baseball writer Earl Bloom, who hadn’t missed many meals that week even on a $200 salary, why he didn’t “throw in a salad every now and then.”

“Sure, Rod,” Bloom said. “Why don’t you throw in an RBI every now and then?”

The heaviest hitter ever in the wide, wide world of retorts, however, was Winston Churchill.

“If you were my husband, Winston, I’d put poison in your tea,” Lady Astor told him.

Churchill responded, “If I were your husband, Nancy, I’d drink it.”

O’Neal said Tuesday that the Lakers are much improved since getting rid of their “knuckleheads.” . . .

No doubt trying to avoid a lawsuit, he wouldn’t name names. . . .

Hint: Their first names are Elden and Nick. . . .

“Cancun, Cancun, Cancun,” is not a chant you hear during a Laker practice this postseason. . . .

Here is something you do hear: Laker publicist John Black advised the media that players wouldn’t be available for interviews today for some time after they have finished practicing. . . .

“It’s yoga day,” he said.

Guard Nicole Kubik, the Sparks’ first-round draft choice from Nebraska, had only one question when interviewed by General Manager Penny Toler and Coach Michael Cooper. . . .

“Can somebody help me with the freeways?” she said. . . .

The Sparks are considered a threat to three-peat WNBA champion Houston. . . .

Now Utah is considered a threat to the Sparks after the trade for Jennifer Azzi, who didn’t get along in Detroit with Coach Nancy Lieberman-Cline. . . .

The Sparks inquired about Azzi, but the price was too high. . . .

eBay is auctioning off the Santa Anita Derby saddle cloth worn by the winner, The Deputy. He was trained by Jenine Sahadi, the first female trainer to win the race. The opening bid was $850. . . .

Passage of Proposition 1A, the Indian Gaming Initiative, was not good for the state’s racetracks, John Van De Kamp, president of the Thoroughbred Owners of California, writes in the group’s current newsmagazine. . . .

“Since many of the [casino] locations will be near our live tracks and simulcast facilities, we’ll lose bettors to the competitors. . . .

“Woody Allen once said in a graduation speech, ‘More than at any time in history mankind faces a crossroad. One path leads to hopelessness and despair, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.” . . .

Fortunately, Van De Kamp reports, thoroughbred owners have better choices, such as developing simulcast contracts with the casinos. . . .

Jockey Corey Nakatani, who won the riding title during Santa Anita’s 63rd season, fell one short of the track record Sunday when he had six winners. . . .

At the outset of U.S. involvement in World War II, his grandparents were detained at a holding station at Santa Anita en route to an internment camp for Japanese Americans in Denver. . . .

The San Francisco Giants are considering trading Livan Hernandez, off to a 0-4 start, to Fidel Castro for Elian Gonzalez.

Randy Harvey can be reached at his e-mail address: [email protected].