Commentary : Asian Values Meet Western Realities : Culture: A man whose life straddles two cultures watches as his children make their own choices.

What are Asian values? American values? Family values?

The concept of Asian values has puzzled me for the last several years. I am an Asian man. I was born and raised in Korea and came to the United States in 1968. Since then, I have become an American citizen. I have a Korean wife, and we have two children. Who am I? Korean or American? Korean American is a simple answer. I still have an identity crisis after 30-some years in the United States as a college professor and a U.S. government bureaucrat.

Asian values are easily identifiable from a personal perspective. My two children sought and got jobs in New York City. I would congratulate them under a normal circumstance, but I did not. I wanted them to find jobs near home in the Virginia area, because their mother will be alone as I leave for Seoul and they leave for New York City.

I must move back to Seoul to take care of my aging mother. I am a man of Asian values (filial piety), and they are young college graduates of American values (career advancement and development). I had hoped that at least one of them would have chosen to stay at home to care for their mother. They understood my reasoning, but rejected it. They feel their mother is still young and a working woman. They can comfort her with visits, by e-mail and telephone calls.

My daughter explained her situation to me this way: “Dad, you came to the United States for your advanced study at Indiana University. You left your parents. I am in the same situation.� But I told her, “My parents were young then. Your mother is not young any more. She is in her 50s.�

Are they good children of filial piety? Or are they a mixture of Asian and American values?

In a sense, my wife accepted her children’s career growth in New York City. She takes care of her children rather than or more than her husband. I cherish my wife’s Asian values based on filial piety and her motherly devotion to her children, and detest my two children’s American values. Where are the family values? They did not care what their parents wanted. Individualism prevails over family values.

Asian values can be defined in many ways. Authoritarianism and Confucianism of hierarchy are major components of the Asian value system, whereas democracy, egalitarianism and individualism are the major components of the American value system. However, I can see the virtue of my Asian value (of taking care of my aging mother) is also part of the 10 Commandments (honor your father and your mother).

After much pondering, I now see the Asian reality, which is far different from the American reality. Aging parents in the United States are taken care of by a third party (nursing homes and Uncle Sam). In Asia, aging parents are taken care of by their children. Asian reality will be gradually changed when the wealth of Asian nations increases to the level of American wealth. Then, nursing homes and government welfare programs will take care of aging Asian parents, too.

Maybe our family’s separation has nothing to do with Asian or American values. Children’s spirit of independence and pursuit of career development may not contradict family value. My children still believe that they honor and love their parents, although they are apart from us.

I would hope that we live in a global village, in which we can live peacefully in a sea of humanity. Then, there would be no scholarly debate on Asian values, American values and family values.