T.J. SIMERS’ RANKINGS

TOP 5

1. ST. LOUIS

It’s just one of those wild rumors that Deuce Bigalow-Male Gigolo will be a guest of Ram management at the Super Bowl.

2. INDIANAPOLIS

The rain-on-your-parade stat of the week: Coach Jim Mora is 0-4 in playoff games.

3. JACKSONVILLE

The Jaguars without Mark Brunell are like the Broncos without Bubby Brister.

4. TENNESSEE

Error McNair is suddenly soaring again as Air McNair, but what goes up must come down.

5. SAN DIEGO

It’s hard to keep a good team from finishing .500.

BOTTOM 5

27. OAKLAND

“Team of the Decades� hasn’t been to Super Bowl since ’83 season or playoffs in six years, stands 83-81 in ‘90s and can’t fill stadium with fans.

28. SAN FRANCISCO

Jerry Rice wants to come back; 49ers agree, as long as he agrees to play cornerback.

29. CINCINNATI

Owner Mike Brown has decided to keep Coach Bruce Coslet. What’s wrong--Wayne Fontes not available?

30. NEW ORLEANS

Fans have switched from paper to plastic in placing bags over their heads.

31. CLEVELAND

It’s hard winning the first pick in the draft as the NFL’s worst team when you’re competing with a team coached by Mike Ditka.