They’re Just Too Gormless to Have Any Perspective

Natural disaster hit England on Saturday, sending an overwrought country into moody self- examination and a very deep malaise.

That’s what happens when a proud nation takes a soccer beating at the hands of Bulgaria in qualifying for the 2000 European Championships. It wasn’t a beating in the true sense, but a 0-0 tie certainly seems to qualify across the pond.

Taking the brunt of the criticism was England Coach Glenn Hoddle.

The Sunday Times weighed in: “Hoddle crisis--England coach on brink after dire draw.�

The News of the World: “England were a disgrace. They were clueless, hopeless and gormless.�

Ah, gormless. That, according to Webster’s, means lacking intelligence.

Columnist Lynn Truss of the Times hinted at darker motives, writing: “What if it’s all a cunning plot? . . . What if the whole squad got together after the World Cup and decided that a succession of dire performances was the only way to rid themselves of the man [Hoddle] who makes them listen to Kenny G?�

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Trivia time: Who was the favorite in this year’s Kentucky Derby?

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Fogged in: Hockey fans went to a game in Caen, France, and a fog broke out.

Action in the game featuring Caen-Chamonix was suspended after three minutes because of fog in the indoor arena. Apparently an air-conditioning unit malfunctioned and ended up pumping in fog from outside the arena.

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Hero, hero: The November issue of Esquire asked several well-known Americans, including skateboard champion Tony Hawk, to tell who their hero is.

Hawk, who has won 12 world championships, picked the great-great- grandfather of extreme sports, Evel Knievel.

“I remember seeing the jumps and the crashes,� Hawk told Esquire. “He either made it or just went down in flames. Either way, people loved it. I did--absolutely.�

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King-size explosion: Some day, not long after the 1999 football season concludes, the Seattle Kingdome will be no more, joining a host of blown-to-pieces, obsolete stadiums and arenas.

Laura Vecsey of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer suggested several things to put in the Kingdome on demolition day:

“Planet Hollywood, because if we wanted Southern California, we would have moved to L.A.

“NikeTown, just because.�

“The Duck. Have you seen this oversized amphibious tourist trap now hogging up roadways through Pioneer Square, Fremont, and other points of Emerald City interest? . . . The Duck is like the ‘It’s a Small World’ ride at Disneyland on hallucinogens.�

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Trivia answer: Indian Charlie. The Derby was his first loss and last race.

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And finally: From Wayne Ferreira of South Africa, who is ranked No. 30 in the world and has defeated No. 1 Pete Sampras four consecutive times: “Maybe I should play him every week.�