Punch Lines

Two Thumbs Up: Tom Cruise came to the rescue of a woman who was being mugged on a London street. “When Tom heard the guy yell, ‘Show me the money!,’ he thought it was just another pushy fan.� (Bob Mills)

Two Thumbs Down: Even die-hard Howard Stern fans are trashing his new Saturday night TV show as the rating plunge, stations defect and critics have a field day. “The show is so bad, for the first time in its history the Federal Communications Commission may fine a performer for lousy ratings.� (Mills)

Joined Forces: The Pentagon announced plans to spend $50 million in the next year on Viagra for soldiers. “Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to let them read those dirty magazines again?� (Jay Leno)

Book of Innuendoes: Microsoft announced it’s coming out with the world’s first new dictionary in over 30 years. “The dictionary’s so thorough, it will contain all 500 of Clinton’s definitions of sex.� (Leno)

Our Ross to Bear: “On ‘Larry King Live,’ Ross Perot said President Clinton should resign to spare the country the process of impeachment--and spare us another interview with Ross Perot.� (Gary Easley)

Poetic Justice: The MTA will be putting poetry on 2,200 buses so that it might soothe stressed-out riders. “One poem will read: ‘Please come up with the proper fare, or we’ll put more pollutants in the air.’ � (Paul Ecker)

Tripp Someone Up: It’s reported that Linda Tripp has passed a lie-detector test in which she denied tampering with the Monica Lewinsky tapes. “Afterward, Tripp said, ‘Tampering with secretly recorded conversations between friends would be wrong.’ � (Conan O’Brien)

HMO Woes: HMOs in 18 states have announced that they’ll drop up to 20,000 elderly patients on Medicare. “They’ll be rejected on the grounds that they had a preexisting condition and chronic inability to pay exorbitant fees.� (Mills)

Roller Coaster: Amusement parks are always looking to top each other with more exciting rides. “Rumor has it the scariest of them all is in the works. It’s called ‘The Dow.’ � (LaMonte Laments)

Did You Know?: October is National Kitchen and Bath Month. “It’s a cherished time of the year for Martha Stewart. She joyfully cleans baseboards, scrubs grout and saves fingernail clippings from the shag carpet for her traditional fall wreath.� (Kenny Noble Cortes)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.