Punch Lines

Dishonest Abe? “If Lincoln were president today, there’d be a special prosecutor asking exactly what he meant by the phrase ‘four score’ and whether it involved White House interns.� (Jerry Perisho)

Nagano Update: “Should snowboarding even be an Olympic event? Any sport invented during the filming of a Mountain Dew commercial shouldn’t be taken that seriously.� (Jay Leno)

Sweetheart Deal: L.A. Mayor Richard Riordan will remarry on Valentine’s Day. “The MTA will provide the wedding cake, complete with a sinkhole in the middle.� (Paul Ecker)

Oscar Update: The nominees for best actor are Dustin Hoffman for “Wag the Dog,� Jack Nicholson for “As Good as It Gets� and Bill Clinton for the line “I never asked anyone to do anything but tell the truth.� (Bob Mills)

Oscar II: “A philosophical question: If ‘The Full Monty’ wins best picture, will the producers be asked to hold up their statuette backward?� (Mills)

Starr Trek: The Lewinsky home in Brentwood has been mobbed by TV cameras. “What Brentwood needs is a little more attention. JonBenet Ramsey’s parents have just put in a bid for O.J.’s house.� (Argus Hamilton)

O.J. Spinoff: Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. “In the job, she’ll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them.� (Steve Voldseth)

Fire Safety Tip: Rap star Q-Tip’s home in New Jersey caught fire this week. “Fortunately, Q-Tip escaped safely along with his friends Cotton Balls and Cuticle Scissors.� (Premiere Radio)

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The Substitute Top 10 List:

Comedy writer Steve Voldseth’s top 10 rejected plots for the final “Seinfeld�:

10. Jerry wakes up, realizes it was all Bob Newhart’s dream.

8. George’s mom talks the gang into trying black-tar heroin.

3. Stephen Hawking drops by and uses the theory of expanded relativity to prove that the sum of the square of a show about nothing is actually a show about the absence of nothing and therefore a show about something.

1. Newman legally changes his name to “the Other White Meat.�

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.