A Bountiful Year on the Bizarre Side of Business

Why should $75-billion mergers like the Exxon-Mobil one, or the government’s efforts to splinter Bill Gates’ empire, get all the ink?

1998 had its share of weird, dubious moments in business, although maybe not $75-billion worth. Here are some of them:

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Hey, Man, Don’t Sign That Card: Politically correct ice cream maker Ben & Jerry’s fought an effort by its maintenance workers to unionize.

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It’s Events Like This That Shape the Character of Today’s CEOs: In his autobiography “Work in Progress,” Disney chief Michael Eisner recalls that he phoned his college sweetheart, thinking they were about to get engaged, only to find out she had just married someone else.

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You’d Get Suspicions if Bills Came Back Marked ‘Return to Sender’: A Westlake Village phone-equipment maker’s stock plunged after an online stock reporting service said it couldn’t find its biggest customer.

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If This Keeps Up, Its Stock Certificates Will Soon Be Memorabilia: Planet Hollywood’s stock has plunged so much in value that a share won’t even cover the price of a Bud Light at one of the chain’s restaurants.

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How Do You Say ‘Hey Man, Don’t Have a Cow’ in Australian? Rupert Murdoch recorded a vocal cameo for “The Simpsons” to air the night of the Super Bowl in which an animated version of the mogul kicks Homer Simpson out of his Super Bowl sky box.

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However, Littlebluepillthatpacksawallop.com Is OK: A Maryland couple operating an adult Web site called viagrafalls.com were sued for trademark infringement by Pfizer, maker of the popular impotence drug.

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Yet Another Elway-Led Comeback: The Denver Broncos and Wall Street’s late-year surge disproved the much-hyped “Super Bowl theory” of stock performance, which says that the market falls in years when an American Football Conference team wins the big game.

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Unlike With Previous Clients, Closing Factories Isn’t an Option Here: A former senior executive at Drexel Burnham Lambert’s Beverly Hills office, which was behind the proliferation of high-yield junk bonds in the 1980s, taught a class for the Learning Annex on how individuals can get out of debt.

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Sounds Like a ‘Dateline NBC’ Investigation: Yoplait yogurt containers were modified after as many as 14 skunks died when their heads became stuck in discarded containers.

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Next: Build Them a Memorial: A spokesman for General Mills, which makes Yoplait, in announcing the redesigned containers said, “A dozen dead skunks is a dozen dead skunks too many.”

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For a $3 Monthly Fee, They’ll Speak With No Accent: After the merger of BankAmerica with NationsBank of Charlotte, N.C., the Independent Bankers Assn. of America put out a statement saying “Bank of America now speaks with a Southern twang.”

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If It Happened Today, at Least He’d Have No Trouble Making Bail: Brill’s Content ran a police mug shot of Bill Gates in New Mexico in 1977. Although unable to get firm confirmation of what he was suspected of, the magazine suggested that it was probably a traffic or license violation.

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Highest FPS (Flacks per Share) in the Business: The same article estimated that Microsoft has 400 to 500 public relations people working for the company either in-house or through outside PR agencies.

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The Amazing Thing Is That They Didn’t Charge Everyone a $5 Fee to Correct It: GTE inadvertently printed tens of thousands of unlisted residential phone numbers and addresses in directories leased to telemarketers.

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The Mouth of the South Lawn: Mogul Ted Turner said he was “very serious” about running for president.

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Even Barbarella Was a Better Role Than First Lady: But Turner said he probably wouldn’t run because wife Jane Fonda was against it.

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Not Only That, They Wear Keys Around Their Necks and Have This Weird Secret Handshake: The Phi Beta Kappa honor society sued Compaq Computer over a special “Phi Beta Compaq” sales promotion at colleges, seeking the profit Compaq made and $5 million in damages.

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One Negotiating Point: Does the C come Before the S or After the G? A widely circulated rumor, denied repeatedly, had DreamWorks SKG making a secret deal to hire President Clinton as head of the company after he leaves office, going so far as to buy a plot of land for him in Pacific Palisades to build a home.

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According to Sources Sitting to the Dealer’s Left: The Wall Street Journal reported that the DreamWorks-Clinton rumor heated up when the weekly Palisadian Post published it following a tip from a group of retirees who play poker.

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After Finishing the Article, Please Turn to the Help Wanted Section: Universal Studios CEO Frank J. Biondi Jr. learned he was being fired by Seagram Chief Executive Edgar Bronfman Jr. by reading it in The Times.

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As an Added Bonus, There’s No Gum on the Floor: Seagram disclosed in Securities and Exchange Commission filings that it spent $2.3 million over the last three fiscal years to build a screening room at Biondi’s home. According to the documents, Seagram in the wake of Biondi’s firing will “remove the screening room and restore the property” unless Biondi exercises an option to buy it for its depreciated value.

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Of Course, Lawyers Expect a Much Better Return: A class-action lawsuit was filed against Disney’s publishing unit after it was revealed that the Beardstown Ladies investors club never did make anywhere near the 23.4% average annual investment return that made them famous and launched their publishing career.

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Yet Another ‘Merger of Equals’ Success Story: News release from April 13: “Dave and I are committed to creating an environment of success that will enable all of our teammates to reach their highest personal potential.” --NationsBank Chairman Hugh McColl on his BankAmerica counterpart David Coulter the day the two banks announced an agreement to merge.

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OK, so This Teammate Will Have to Reach His Highest Personal Potential Elsewhere: News release from Oct. 20: “It is with regret that I announce my resignation effective Oct. 30.” --David Coulter.