Laugh Lines

Channel Surfing: Zenith is selling a talking VCR. “It says ‘Play,’ ‘Stop,’ ‘Record’ and ‘Keep that Pauly Shore movie away!’ ” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

A Ratings Hit?: The Fox Network has announced it will air a live special in March on the opening of an Egyptian tomb thousands of years old. “Fox is planning to precede the show with another special: ‘World’s Greatest Chariot Wrecks.’ ” (Buzz Report)

And They’re Off: After 28 years, roller derby is back on TV. “Or, as Jerry Springer calls it . . . competition.” (Cecera)

Those Were the Days: “What is the big deal about the Y2K compliance problem? We didn’t have any problem with Y1K compliance. Just use the same programs we did to fix it in the year 1000. (Alex Kaseberg)

That’s Progress?: Scientists say it may one day be possible to transport an entire human body atom by atom. “In fact, they’ve already successfully tested it. Three more atoms, and Diana Ross will be completely moved into Michael Jackson.” (Steve Voldseth)

Games People Play: Sony and Hasbro are reportedly joining forces to put the game Trivial Pursuit on the Internet. “Trivial Pursuit? I thought that was the Internet.” (Voldseth)

Steady On: Engineers working on the Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy have attached long cables, called suspenders, to keep the structure from toppling over. “It’s the same law of physics that applies to Larry King.” (Jerry Perisho)

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