Punch Lines

Money Talk: New quarters are about to be issued, and each of the 50 states will get to select its symbol to go on one side. “California’s will show a Golden Bear driving up the San Diego Freeway in a White Ford Bronco holding a gun to its head.” (Argus Hamilton)

Petty Theft: An Ohio teen has pleaded innocent to stealing his mother’s credit card to pay for a friend’s breast-enlargement surgery. “Police say it’s lucky they caught the guy quickly; otherwise, it may have turned into a bigger bust.” (Mark Wheeler)

Beat It: Detroit residents have voted down a proposal for a gaming casino that would have been owned by Michael Jackson. “When asked if collusion played a part in the defeat of the proposal, Michael quickly responded, ‘Of course there was conspiracy. It’s plain as the nose on my face.’ ” (Ira Lawson)

A Killer Race: Jack Kevorkian’s attorney, Geoffrey Fieger, won the Democratic nomination for governor of Michigan. “His supporters knew he would kill at the primaries.” (David Christensen)

J’Accuse: The FBI lab tested the stain on Monica Lewinsky’s dress for a DNA match to Bill Clinton. “The DNA may clear him of Monica. But it’s only a matter of time before Republicans say it proves he killed Nicole Brown Simpson.” (Hamilton)

Mr. Grinch, Esq: A lawyer in Cincinnati has filed a federal lawsuit arguing that Christmas Day should not a become a legal holiday. “He also wants the tooth fairy to be charged with breaking and entering.” (Premiere Radio)

Popmeister: A celebration in New York commemorated Andy Warhol’s 70th birthday. “It lasted 15 minutes.” (Gary Easley)

Vision Thing: Panasonic’s HDTVs are on sale for $5,499 to $5,999 per set. “We pay $6,000 for high-definition TV that we can only see conventional signals on because no one is broadcasting in digital yet? Who came up with this idea, Congress?” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

ZZZZZZoom: A new race-car Barbie has been made to commemorate the 50th anniversary of NASCAR. “Potential collectors look at the doll for about five minutes and then try to find a baseball game.” (Jeff Corveau)

I Know Why the Caged Bird Speaks: Poet Maya Angelou gets $35,000 per speaking gig. “Just think how much more she would get if her poems rhymed.” (Easley)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.