Off-Kilter

Cowboys and Aliens: Sure, other journalists might risk their lives reporting from war zones, police shootouts or deadly hurricanes, but only Off-Kilter has the courage to enter a grocery store and actually buy the supermarket tabloids that most humans are too embarrassed to be seen with.

That’s why, when we spotted the “new and improved� National Enquirer, we took a deep breath, said a silent prayer and then begged our girlfriend to please go back into the store and purchase it while we stayed by the car as a lookout.

One super-expensive dinner later, she handed over the copy and we read it. Unfortunately, we couldn’t tell the difference between the “new� Enquirer and the old one. But we did find a story inside about Willie Nelson telling Texas Monthly magazine that he thinks his brain is able to pick up radio waves from “somewhere in the universe,� which is how he gets his songs. Needless to say, we’re terrified. For starters, what if the extraterrestrials find out Nelson is plagiarizing their music and decide to destroy the entire planet in retaliation? Even scarier is the idea that space aliens, who are supposedly the most sophisticated creatures in the galaxy, actually enjoy country music.

Bumper Sticker of the Day: “Dyslexics Have More Fnu.�

Titaniholics Anonymous: It’s time for the U.N. to start earning its keep by creating an international 12-step program for Titanic addiction. The latest victim of the scourge is Halifax, Nova Scotia, which is swarming with Titanic-obsessed tourists.

The central attraction is a Titanic cemetery. In 1912, Halifax sent a ship loaded with embalming fluid and coffins to recover bodies from the sunken luxury liner. A Halifax minister went along and conducted burial-at-sea rites for 119 victims, but 209 bodies were returned to Halifax, according to the Montreal Gazette.

In what now seems like an unwitting stroke of marketing genius, the grave of engine-room worker James Dawson was inscribed simply “J. Dawson.� Although there’s no connection to the fictional Jack Dawson character played by Leonardo DiCaprio in the movie, J. Dawson is now king of the nether world. Teenage girls are flocking to his grave and leaving flowers, movie ticket stubs and love letters, according to the London Daily Mail.

Meanwhile, Halifax officials have opened a Titanic Web site (https://titanic.gov.ns.ca) and expanded the city’s Titanic museum exhibit. And tour companies are offering Titanic-themed trips and meals aimed at U.S. visitors.

Odd Inventions Inc.: Smokers who want to quit have the nicotine patch. Overeaters who want to diet now have the “anti-pastry patch.� It’s an almond-and-vanilla-scented strip that supposedly reduces the craving for sweets--but not by transmitting cholesterol into your bloodstream a la its nicotine cousin. Instead, the “aromacology patch,� which was invented by a British chef and recently featured on “Extra,� fills the air with almond and vanilla scents. Personally, we think dessert odors would make people more hungry, but you can give the $1.30 pastry patch a try by calling (888) 780-6824.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Story: We know some of you cheat and look at this part first, but today’s tabloid fix is in the top item of the column.

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at [email protected].

Contributor: Wireless Flash