Sandwiched by Age-Old Fears

My mother is always worried about anything happening to her four precious, darling children.

“Who’d take care of me?� she says.

We know she’s kidding--we think she’s kidding--but I’m not sure that any of us have asked her if she’s being serious. Could it be that dear old mom, whom we never think of as old, harbors many of the same fears as many other people now in their 70s and 80s? Namely, who will take care of me if I can’t take care of myself in my old age?

An article in the current New Yorker magazine tweaked my thoughts on the subject. A member of the “sandwich generation� describes his growing concerns about his elderly parents’ well-being. The “sandwich� designation has come to describe middle-aged people who find themselves worrying simultaneously and in sometimes equal parts about their children as well as their parents.

James Atlas, the writer of the New Yorker article, says that for the first time in history, “many middle-aged couples have more parents than offspring.�

Sandy Brotman knows all about the sandwich generation; he encounters many of them over the phone or in person as his job as psychologist with Eldercare Referral and Placement, an Encino-based organization that matches older people with assisted-care facilities. The organization also has a Mission Viejo office, Brotman says.

First, some perspective, Brotman says. “Some elderly people still claim fiercely to their independence. They would die before being dependent on their children. At the other end of the scale--whatever the values, culture or ethnic differences are--you have people who say, ‘This is what I expect. I worked hard all my life to raise you kids, now pay me back.’ �

I ask Brotman, who’s 72, if he thinks the middle-aged youngsters are protesting a bit too much.

“No,� he says, “I empathize, because each family has its own dynamic structure, its own values.� On occasion, he says, a middle-aged child or spouse will be on the phone with him and begin crying, because he or she is at wit’s end dealing with an elderly parent or in-law.

The situation is often precipitated by the elderly person’s failing health and a reluctance, if not outright dread, of going to a nursing facility. Some people equate that with abandonment, a fear they try to thwart by exacting a commitment from their grown children to care for them.

“On paper, that sounds pretty good,� Brotman says, “but what tends to happen is you have three generations--old folks, the adult child and teens--living together.� That kind of living arrangement is fraught with potential problems, from as seemingly mundane as youngsters blaring rock music to the adult children being unable to take care of their parents’ health problems.

Brotman says older people could make things somewhat easier on themselves. “Some people prepare for getting old, some don’t,� he says. “The best thing for an elderly person is that they’ve got to be realistic about being older and accept some differences in getting older. Prepare yourself for the fact you’re going to get older and that you may have to move into assisted living.�

The good news, Brotman says, is that the L.A.-Orange County area has an adequate supply of assisted-living facilities.

My siblings and I are lucky because Mom is in excellent physical and mental health. My brother is the only one of the four who lives in the same city as she, but as the parent of a 7-year-old, he’s also the only one who could be caught in the sandwich. I’ve told him not to feel like the Lone Ranger in responding to her needs, but that’s easy for me to say from a thousand miles away.

Anyway, Mom swears she won’t be a burden. She and her three siblings alternated 12-hour shifts for three years in caring for their 98-year-old mother in the last several months of her life. The task was arduous and not helped by the fact that all four children were in their 60s and 70s. Mom told us she would not want to put her four children to that test, and no news was ever greeted with more enthusiasm than that.

Brotman says family members have to be open and honest with each other about these matters, and while families are not necessarily known for that, his point is inarguable.

Someday, my sibs and I will get down to brass tacks. It’s just that Mother seems so darn healthy right now and not overly worried.

Or is she?

When I phoned to say I was mentioning her for the column, she said, “Now you know why I’m always so concerned about you kids’ health. What are you going to do if I can’t take care of myself--put me in a home? Or call Dr. Kevorkian?�

Mom, cracking jokes.

At least, it sounded like she was joking.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to [email protected]