PUNCHLINES

Newt Coup: “A failed plot by top Republican House members to oust Newt Gingrich is revealed,� says Bob Mills. “Some subtle signs Newt’s days are still numbered--colleagues have recommended he go on the fen-phen diet. Connie Chung no longer returns his mother’s calls. Bob Dole wants his money back.�

* The GOP leaders who attempted the coup think Newt is too liberal, says Argus Hamilton. “When Newt lost 25 pounds, conservatives accused him of using the Jane Fonda workout tape.�

* One of the GOP rebels, Bill Paxton, was reportedly forced out of the House leadership position he resigned. “Messing with Newt is like messing with Clint Eastwood,� explains the Cutler Daily Scoop. “If you shoot, you better make sure it’s fatal.�

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Drug Alert: Food and Drug Administration advisors are recommending that a stronger version of Rogaine hit the market. But there is some controversy over the labeling. Apparently, the new product is called Chia Hair. (Brian J. Hill)

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Names in the News: Sylvester Stallone’s next film is about international auto racing. “He’s already written his dialogue--’Yo, Vroom.’ � (Bill Williams)

“Real estate agents say O.J. Simpson’s house is structurally sound,� says Craig Kilborn. “However, they warn buyers it’s hard to hear the doorbell from the shower.�

Web browsers can watch Kevin Costner making his new movie, “The Postman,� on the Internet. “What a good idea. Maybe by showing how boring it is to make a movie, fewer people will try.� (Cutler Daily Scoop)

“Coming up next month in Martha Stewart Living: how to create garden mulch from unauthorized biographies.� (Kilborn)

Hunter Thompson was excused from jury duty in the drunk-driving case of John Denver. “Court TV is disappointed,� says Hamilton. “This would have been the funniest scene since Ted Kennedy sat in judgment of Clarence Thomas.�

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Communications Industry: AT&T; fires President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked “intellectual leadership.� He got a $26-million severance package. “Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking the intelligence.� (Johnny Robish)

Reader Charles Jenner of Los Alamitos and his 5-year-old grandson, Trevor, were looking at a pictorial history of the Allied invasion of Europe. Trevor said that when he grows up, he would like to be a soldier.

“But,� he said, “if there was a lot of fighting, I would ask the general if I could go home.�