Punch Lines

Flu the Coop: To stop a deadly flu transmitted by birds, China rounded up 1 million chickens and had them placed in plastic containers, gassed with carbon dioxide, sprayed with disinfectant and buried at landfills. “Oddly enough, this is the exact procedure used to create Col. Sanders’ secret recipe.� (Premiere Radio)

Waltzing in a Winter Wonderland: A woman who was stranded for 18 hours in the snowy mountains of Utah danced all night to stay warm. “She would have been rescued sooner, but passing forest rangers didn’t want to cut in.� (Ann Harrison)

Feeling a Draft? After returning from his Christmas trip, President Clinton announced that Bosnia is not Vietnam. “Well, sure, just the fact that Clinton went there proves that.� (Jay Leno)

People’s Choice: People magazine’s list of the most intriguing personalities of 1997 includes President Clinton, Ellen DeGeneres and Dolly, the cloned sheep. “Which coincidentally happens to be Clinton’s ideal threesome.� (Conan O’Brien)

Be a Stunt Double for the Iceberg in ‘Titanic’: “Here’s a test to see if you gained too much weight during the holidays. Plug your lamp into the Clapper, then run in place naked. If the lamp goes on and off, you’ve gained too much weight.� (Leno)

Bowl Patrol: “Holiday football games you probably won’t hear about include the Polyester Bowl, a cheap but long-wearing imitation of the Cotton Bowl; the Sun Also Rises Bowl, featuring an Ernest Hemingway look-alike contest at halftime; and the Rose Law Firm Bowl, in which teams from Arkansas battle to see who can shred legal documents the fastest.� (Bob Mills)

Lethal Doses: “It was a record year for executions. Texas led the way, and Jack Kevorkian finished a close second.� (Buzz Nutley Productions)

*

The Butchered David Letterman:

Top 10 New York Giants Excuses . . .

7. Team’s starting quarterback: Angela Lansbury.

6. Misheard chants of “Go team� as “Go blow a 9-point lead with a minute and a half to go.�

5. Spent halftime watching those flickering Japanese cartoons.