It’s Still Football, but Without the Testosterone

Sportswriter Sally Jenkins’ book, “Men Will Be Boys--The Modern Woman Explains Football and Other Amusing Male Rituals,” is packed with insight to a hidebound game.

Jenkins tries to break down the sport and all its militaristic language.

Football--which Jenkins asserts is simply guys playing soldiers--can easily be translated into language women understand.

She offers a hypothetical coach’s halftime talk:

“We have to reassess our schemes. We’ve got to seal off the backside and get some penetration. Offensively, we aren’t picking up the blitz, we’re making all the wrong reads, and we aren’t doing anything in the red zone.”

If the head coach were a woman?

“I really feel that we need to discuss a few things. I’m not seeing a sense of togetherness on defense, and I’m getting from a few of you that you feel threatened. I want you to know that I sympathize, but you’ve got to push through it and get to the other side of your emotions. And I really think on offense we need to be more giving.”

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Add guys: Jenkins provides a glossary of terms. Some definitions:

Coin toss: A common practice in collegiate recruiting.

Facemask: A uniform-type device that they wear on their helmets, so that when they hug each other, they won’t come too close to kissing.

Halfback: A trial separation between the quarterback and the running back.

Huddle: Group therapy for guys.

Kicker: That worried little guy in clean clothes who nobody ever talks to because they don’t think he’s a real jock.

Line of scrimmage: Large men forming piles.

Signals: The encoded words and numbers that the quarterback uses to tell the offense when to start. He could just say, “One, two, three, go!” But it doesn’t sound as good.

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Trivia time: The oldest collegiate athletic conference began in 1896 and was known as the Intercollegiate Conference of Faculty Representatives. What is it called today?

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Scrooged: A potential juror in boxer Tommy Morrison’s drunk-driving trial was excused on the grounds that he is Santa Claus.

Jury selection in Jay, Okla., in the former heavyweight’s trial was halted after the judge asked prospective jurors if serving might be a hardship.

One man told the judge that he was Santa Claus and his daily shift began at 4:30 p.m.

The judge suggested he find a substitute.

“It’s hard to get a replacement this time of year,” he said.

Santa was dismissed, but the boxer’s case wasn’t. A jury was seated and Morrison was convicted of driving under the influence and two related charges.

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Trivia answer: The Big Ten.

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And finally: Former Miami Dolphin quarterback Bob Griese once lost 29 yards trying to scramble against the Dallas Cowboys. When he finally went down, Cowboy lineman Bob Lilly said, “This would have been over a lot sooner if you had just cooperated.”