Vows for the Heart and for Vietnam

Poring over the details of her fast-approaching October wedding, Dana Nguyen, 27, a Fountain Valley psychology student, sees red.

It’s used from the ceremonial gown to the shrine coverings that reflect Vietnamese Buddhist tradition, because “Red is a lucky color,” says Xuyen Nguyen, a longtime friend of the family. As the owner of Xuyen Bridal in Garden Grove, she doubles as etiquette consultant to young brides-to-be who have spent most of their lives in the United States but who desire the customs of their native country at their weddings.

Dana Nguyen says she “wants everything to be as traditional as possible” in her nuptials to Phillip Thai, 29, a San Jose dentist she met when he attended medical school with her sister. “We love the Vietnamese culture. So it’s important to Phil and I to follow tradition.”

With a small exception.

Thai is complying as an acknowledgment of his heritage and out of respect to his ancestors. But, as a Seventh-day Adventist, he and Dana will hold a second wedding in his family’s church the week after the Fountain Valley ceremony. For that event, Dana is attending Bible class twice weekly and will be baptized.

At her wedding in October, Dana’s sister Dao, 29, wore a red ao dai, the Mandarin-collared gown worn over wide-legged pants (the phrase literally translates as “dress long”). Embroidered on the front was an entwined dragon and phoenix, symbolizing the husband-and-wife bond.

Like Dao, Dana will have more than the wedding gown to decide on. There is an ao dai in another color worn for greeting guests during the reception, and the more Westernized cocktail dress for cutting the cake. Appropriate at the beginning and the end of the reception is a white bridal dress, a Western costume that has been adopted in Vietnam, Xuyen Nguyen says.

“We just want to wear everything we can,” says Dao, laughing about the fashion parade that extends to the entire wedding party. Her four bridesmaids had three changes: bright pink ao dais, mint chiffon bridesmaid slips and their own party dresses. Husband Trung Nguyen, 30, and his groomsmen also sported ao dais, cut in a block silhouette for men, as well as tuxedos. The circular headpiece, called the khan dong, is worn by all, but set lower near the forehead on men and propped higher like a crown on women.

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As for the rites, Dana is calmly anticipating what she learned from Dao’s experience.

The groom’s family, some 30 to 60 relatives, will arrive at her parents’ home early on the wedding day. The procession, led by his parents, will carry gifts of roast pig, red-dyed sticky rice, tea, red wine, brandy and cakes, enshrouded under red coverings trimmed with gold fringe. Except for the pig, the servings must be even, from two to 20. The two rings, too, are among the offerings, treasured in a black lacquer box.

Upon entering the door marked vu quy (meaning: bride in the house), her family will cue up opposite his in welcome greeting. Gifts are placed on the shrine, also draped in the gold-trimmed red covers, alongside the incense, flowers, fruit and red candles.

Then, a married representative of the bride’s family will retrieve Dana to “introduce” her to the groom’s family. Dao will assume the responsibility, though it is usually given to someone well beyond newlywed status.

Together, the couple will kneel and bow before the shrine in respect to the bride’s ancestors. “Our ancestors serve as our witnesses,” Dao says.

The bride then expresses thanks to her parents, who in turn admonish her to make them proud and “be the good girl they raised.”

(Until this point, the rites resemble those exercised during the engagement. The groom’s family also brings the roast pig and other edible gifts, and the bride wears the traditional ao dai in a color other than red.)

Once the rings are slipped on during the wedding ceremony, the groom’s mother and any sisters bestow the bride with gold jewelry that they place on her. Then the bride’s mother and family shower her with more gifts of jewelry and money, an exchange symbolic of a bride leaving for another village forever. “It’s a very emotional moment even though we know we will see her again,” says Myle Le, Dana and Dao’s mother.

Following light refreshments, the offerings of food are divided and half is given to the groom’s family. They leave, taking the food and bride to their home, where the entire ritual--from family introductions to bowing to his ancestors--is repeated. With her is a suitcase. The gesture is only figurative of her departure; in modern times the bride’s family is often included in the groom’s end of the rites.

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Though Vietnamese weddings have integrated Western traditions, such as the bouquet throw, one Eastern tradition holds fast: The groom’s family foots the bill.

The ao dais and other ceremonial items are usually rented. At Xuyen Bridal, an ao dai runs $30 to $90.

Dana and Phil will entertain a party a third of the size of her sister’s, which had about 700 guests. The reception is being held at one of the larger Chinese restaurants in Garden Grove that regularly host such events.

“Even though we’re really acculturated,” Dana says, “the Vietnamese traditions have a lot of meaning and make a lot of sense to us.

“Besides,” she adds, with a giggle, “our parents wouldn’t let us marry if we did it any other way.”