Punch Lines

Modern Travel: British Airways has suspended two pilots who let a 5-year-old girl handle the controls in flight. “Passengers became suspicious when a voice on the intercom asked Daddy for chicken nuggets and balloons.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

* “Flight controllers ran screaming from the tower when Barney kept appearing on their radar screens.” (Bob Mills)

* “The suspended pilots have been offered jobs on Mir.” (Zack Taylor)

During Labor Day weekend, L.A.’s first Grand Prix event will feature legendary vintage cars in a 6-mph parade through downtown L.A., says Jenny Church. “The pace car is a Ford Bronco driven by A.C. Cowlings.”

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Big Business: “Due to recent problems in beef processing, rumor has it that a certain fast food chain will be using ground clown.” (Pati Holly)

Postmaster General Marvin Runyon says the post office will make a $1-billion profit for the third straight year, says Jerry Perisho. “One-billion-dollar profit. Next thing you know, Bill Gates will buy it.”

“Kids graduating from college today find the job market to be very tough, very competitive. There is only one job that really has a lot of openings and continues to grow--special prosecutor.” (Perisho)

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Political Scene: More than 1,000 influential Republicans attended the Midwestern Leadership Conference to size up possible opponents of Al Gore in 2000, says Mills. “Everyone agrees Washington is teeming with new ideas and the charisma and intelligence to win. But how do you get them to switch parties?”

* “Dan Quayle presented himself as a political outsider, saying, ‘Sure, I was vice president for four years, but it’s not like I actually worked.’ ” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Quayle served four years in the House, eight in the Senate and four as vice president. If he’s an outsider, it’s at a Mensa meeting.” (Argus Hamilton)

“Jimmy Hoffa Jr. is accusing the current head of the Teamsters of being in bed with the Democrats,” says Bill Maher. “This is nasty stuff, Teamsters and Democrats. In fact, someone saw one of the Teamster thugs dumping a body off the Bridge to the 21st Century.”

* “Ron Carey must run against Hoffa again to head the Teamsters,” says Hamilton. “It’s only right. If the last election were any more crooked, the winner would have been declared mayor of Chicago.”

“Hollywood is doing a sequel to ‘Air Force One’ called ‘Capitol Hill.’ It’s a thriller. Terrorists take the entire Congress hostage and threaten to release the lawmakers one by one until their demands are met.” (Hamilton)

Costa Mesa reader Luana Wells’ granddaughter, Kaitlin, had just learned she was going to have a new baby brother. Teasing, her mom asked her, “What would you think about naming the baby ‘Rutabaga?’ ”

Kaitlin grimaced. “That’s a girl’s name.”