One Turn of Phrase Deserves Another

I’ve been at this since 1980, building a deep reservoir of columns. So I asked my bosses if I could take the summer off and fill this space with pre-read columns. You know, my oldies.

Closed-minded as always, they said no.

They didn’t buy my indisputable argument that if readers haven’t read it, it’s new to them.

I’m happy to say that NBC is more visionary when it comes to deploying euphemistic spin to make stale items appear fresh. If you’ve watched NBC lately, for example, you’ve noticed the following giddyspeak attached to reruns: “If you haven’t seen it, it’s new to you.�

There’s a certain symmetry there, don’t you think? And a logic that can’t be assailed. Anymore than could a similar tag, were NBC News to announce: “Grant is buried in Grant’s tomb.� Or “Bill Clinton’s name is Bill Clinton.� If you didn’t know it, it’s news to you.

You could turn this into a “Jeopardy!�-style game:

“If you haven’t heard him, he’s tasteful to you.� Answer: Who is Howard Stern? Or “If you haven’t seen him rant on his CNBC talk show, he’s sound of mind to you.� Answer: Who is Charles Grodin?

Ah, slogans and signatures, as in “All the news that’s fit to print� in the New York Times. Does anyone ever pay attention to them?

Following a long network tradition, ABC already has signed off on some of these to advertise its fall season and help it out of the ratings slump it suffered this season. They are humorous, cheeky, almost satirically crafted messages designed at once to chide and celebrate America’s deeply entrenched couch potatodum.

One is “Thank God for TV.� Another is “Life is short, watch TV.� Another is “TV is good.� Another is “We love TV.� And another is “Hobbies, schmobbies.�

Floated briefly but withdrawn from the field after being slammed was a sixth ABC slogan that, although apparently tongue-in-cheek, may accurately represent the true feelings and cultural level of many TV decision makers: “Books are overrated.�

On the other hand, it’s much harder to make a room warm and cozy by lining a wall with videotapes.

The only other network that seems to have settled on catchy phrasemaking for its fall shows is CBS, going forward with a variation of what it and its Los Angeles station, KCBS, have already been using: “The address is CBS: Welcome home.�

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TV is an industry steeped in the kind of self-praise expressed by NBC’s Leeza Gibbons in a promo last week for Friday’s “Leeza� and its viewer guests: “They watched our show, it changed their lives.� Moreover, TV hucksters are as reliant on euphemisms (“encore� for rerun) as are auto dealers (“preowned� for used). And slogans have helped drive advertising for ages, whether Maxwell House’s “good to the last drop,� or the “breakfast of champions� label so long associated with Wheaties, or “things go better with Coke,� or those revoltingly slobby Carl’s Jr. TV spots proclaiming, “If it doesn’t get all over the place, it doesn’t belong in your face.�

Advertising’s power is a given. Yet surely generalized bumper stickerese has only limited influence on viewers when it comes to making them watch specific programs. All the cute slogans in the world won’t make a bad comedy funny. Can anyone believe, moreover, that saying “welcome home� makes CBS more cuddly and viewer-friendly? And even if you do believe it, will that make you watch “48 Hours� instead of NBC’s “ER�? Or would you watch KNBC just because it says on the air repeatedly that it’s “working 4 you�?

The process of sloganeering is tailor-made for parody, though. Among the “Top 10 Failed Slogans� available on the Internet from Paladin Enterprises are made-up ones for Hoover (“No one sucks like Hoover does�), Gerber (“Because a baby will put anything in its mouth�) and a Sen. Jesse Helms (R-N.C.) reelection campaign (“ ‘Cause you don’t know no better�).

Or you can make up your own slogans for TV programs:

* “Buzz�--because you’re stupid.

* “America’s Funniest Home Videos�--because you’ll watch anything.

* “Jerry Springer�--because you don’t know who’s buried in Grant’s tomb.

Meanwhile, good news. My bosses have relented and are letting me reuse this column as an encore for Wednesday. Not to worry, though. If you fell asleep while reading it, it will be new to you.