Punch Lines

L.A. Times Archives

Jan. 31, 1997 12 AM PT

In the News: A McDonald’s employee in Connecticut was arrested, accused of selling pot at the drive-through window. “Parents wondered why their kids needed $69.95 for a Happy Meal,” says Bill Williams.

* “Selling marijuana at McDonald’s makes sense in California,” says Jay Leno. “When you burn yourself with the scalding hot coffee, you can treat it with medicinal marijuana.”

The first museum dedicated to journalism will open in Washington, D.C. “It’ll only cost 25 cents to get in. A buck-fifty on Sundays.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

The IRS says Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones owes $8.3 million in back taxes. “Just another adventure in the saga of America’s Legal System Team.” (Daily Scoop)

Health and Medicine: A Manhattan health club has introduced a “hypoxic” workout room that simulates skiing. “The 8-by-8 room, designed to duplicate atmospheric conditions in Aspen, Colo., has one bad side effect,” says Bob Mills. “After 15 minutes in it, people develop an uncontrollable desire to overvalue real estate.”

Five HMOs threaten to leave L.A. unless they get tax relief. “They insist that the present tax structure lowers their profits from obscene to merely unconscionable.” (Mills)

A new anti-flu drug successfully used on mice is being tested on humans. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “Not only does this drug help people get over the flu, but they can also find cheese in a maze faster.”

The New England Journal of Medicine has endorsed physician-prescribed marijuana. “The first hint that approval would be granted came during a closed-door meeting when the editorial board sent out for 2,000 tollhouse cookies.” (Mills)

Cirque du O.J.: “The jury has reached a decision,” says Leno. “They convicted Bruno Magli. The guy’s shoes are all over the place.”

* “The jury faces a tough decision--Random House or Doubleday.” (Brian J. Hill)

* “The weather is starting to get nice,” says Leno. “It was so warm out, I saw O.J.’s lawyer Robert Baker actually shed his skin as he was sunning himself on a rock.”

In the Arts: A Miami auctioneer canceled sales of Georgia O’Keeffe and Jasper Johns paintings after fakes were discovered. “C.B. Charles became suspicious when one Johns oil was offered as being from his ‘Elvis on Velvet’ period,” says Mills.

Pat Boone was at the American Music Awards in leather and tattoos. “Next, he’s driving his Harley to Vegas,” says Argus Hamilton. “He’s opening at the Hard Rock for the Dead White Bucks.”

Reader Jules Koenigsberg was stuck in a traffic jam with daughter Janie, 5. Janie had the solution.

“Daddy, the car in the front should just go faster.”