Punch Lines

Splitsville: A Dublin court has granted Ireland’s first divorce. “The Irish are so unfamiliar with the legal ramifications, Liz Taylor is being flown in to conduct a seminar,” says Bob Mills.

* “Thus comes to an end a mystical land with no divorce lawyers.” (Johnny Robish)

“Divorce is way up in California,” says Argus Hamilton. “It’s considered normal now. When a woman meets a man in Los Angeles, she asks herself if this is the one she someday wants their children to visit every other weekend.”

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The End Is in Sight: Testimony ended Friday in the O.J. Simpson civil trial. “Books from the new witnesses will be in bookstores today,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop.

* Jury deliberations could begin as early as Thursday. “If the last trial is any indiction, they should be arriving at a verdict any minute now.” (Steve Voldseth)

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The End Is in Sight II: “The makers of the cheese head hat, mascot of the Green Bay Packers, say they can’t keep up with pre-Super Bowl demand,” says Bill Williams. “Many fans were shocked to discover their cheese heads had been eaten by their kids’ Cabbage Patch Snacktime dolls.”

* “Thankfully soon all the hype will end, so the boring blowout can finally begin,” says Alex Pearlstein.

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In the news: “Everyone was impressed when the president dedicated his inaugural speech to those who had made his reelection possible, says Mills. “No one had any idea he knew how to speak Korean.”

Newt Gingrich’s recommended $300,000 fine is reimbursement for the extra work required after he misled the House Ethics Committee. “And for forcing the committee to watch his whole course,” says the Daily Scoop.

* “Gingrich’s course at Kennesaw College, previously called ‘Ethics in Politics,’ has been renamed ‘Popular American Fiction.’ ” (Alan Ray)

The U.S. Army is faced with enlistments that could fall 10% below target this year. “Military life isn’t what it used to be. It’s now six months of boot camp followed by years of sensitivity training.” (Hamilton)

* “The Army will attempt to lure recruits with a new incentive. It’s called the draft.” (Robish)

A 60-pound rare black rhino was born at the San Diego Zoo. “Afterward, the mother was washed down with a hose and fed hay. That’s all her HMO would pay for.” (Ray)

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Reader Dawn Schroeder says that when her daughter was 5, she received a tiny diary as a gift. The first page included a place for name, address, age, color of hair, etc. She filled in all the blanks until the last line, which asked for blood type.

After some thought, she wrote, “warm.”