Punch Lines

L.A. Times Archives

Jan. 7, 1997 12 AM PT

Dizzy Disney: The Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland is being revamped to remove politically incorrect scenes of pirates chasing young women:

* “The company will no longer tolerate the glorification of unfettered greed, pillage and plunder. That was Michael Ovitz’s job.” (Bob Mills)

* “In the new version, it’s the pirates who will be chased around--by women carrying copies of ‘The Rules.’ ” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “In another scene, Disney stockholders will be chasing Ovitz--demanding his severance check.” (Nathaniel Castiel)

* “It’s a new era at Disney. From now on, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will be known as Person of No Color and the Seven Vertically Challenged Individuals.” (Argus Hamilton)

In the news: Floods are causing big problems in much of California--but citizens in Sacramento were prepared, says Jerry Perisho. “When you live in the state capital, you always keep your hip-waders handy.”

Announcing his campaign for mayor of Los Angeles, Tom Hayden vowed to lead the way toward a city “more livable, more peaceful and more just.” Asks Jenny Church, “A motor caravan to Madison, Wis.?”

A study shows the average American husband does 10 hours of housework per week. Says Alan Ray, “However, the research has flaws. What sounded like vacuuming coming from the den was actually snoring.”

A cross-dressing bank robber was caught before he could make his getaway. Says Gary Easley, “When he looked in his purse, he couldn’t find his keys.”

Researchers say if we keep gaining weight at our current rate, more than half the U.S. will be overweight in 20 years. Says Alex Kaseberg, “And most of that will be in the bottom half.”

The Jacksonville Jaguars stunned the Denver Broncos in the NFL playoffs. Says Mark Gonzales, “The Jaguars enjoyed their late Christmas gift from the Broncos--Tackle Me Elway.”

I love Noo Yawk: Las Vegas’ latest attraction, the New York, New York Hotel and Casino, is really authentic . . .

* “The only difference is that the tourists are mugged inside the buildings.” (Mills)

* “You can’t get anyone to tell you where the restrooms are.” (Will Couzin)

* “The employees are a little, ah, brusque: ‘ “Hit me?” Go hit yourself--I’m a dealer, not a friggin’ dominatrix.’ ” (Cutler)

Reader James Harris of La Habra says grandson Ben, 6, stopped the senior minister and asked, “Are you the smartest man in the church?”

“Why do you want to know?” the minister replied.

“I have a question,” said Ben.

Confidently, the clergyman assured the boy he’d be glad to answer his question. Ben asked:

“If God is forever, when did he begin?”