The Plastic Side of Tinseltown

It’s a bit painful to imagine what aberrant view of Southern California souvenir-hunting tourists take home with them. To be blunt: We sell them some weird stuff.

Like the magnetized Dress Me David, a replica of Michelangelo’s David with optional boxer shorts and leather jacket. Like a miniature bikini-clad skeleton lounging on a little painted beach with a tiny boom box.

In our defense, this is a tough place to distill into plastic imagery. No Eiffel Tower, no Statue of Liberty, no Taj Mahal in central Pacoima that merchants can miniaturize and multiply. The city lacks a singular, defining inspiration.

Sure we’ve got a lot here--the entertainment, garment and aerospace industries; multiculturalism; freeways; a veritable plague of plastic surgeons; Angelyne; breathtakingly dull Equity waiver theater--unfortunately it just doesn’t translate well into mementos.

But laws of commerce insist this vacuum be filled. Most commonly this tourist relic gap is plugged with items representing “Hollywood.� As residents know, Hollywood is, at best, an ephemeral concept. On the boulevard itself, it translates into faux Oscars, Elvis belt buckles, dust-covered Laurel and Hardy statues ($399), sentimental James Dean and Marilyn Monroe plates and a flood of tasteless junk that makes Sally Jessy Raphael look like the Archbishop of Canterbury by comparison.

Where but Hollywood Boulevard could you find displays of matchbook-size packages gaily embossed with the word “Hollywood,� the sentence “Condoms custom fitted for . . . “ and scores of names to chose from? And one of the choices is “Grandma�?

The boulevard and a tour of other tourist stops offered up these souvenirs of a visit to Southern California.

The Tourist Stop: Hollywood Boulevard.

The Ambience: Decay, tackiness and transients combine to make European families realize they should hide the video camera and quickly get back to the bus.

What Sets the Tone: “You break it, you buy it� signs.

What Sells Best: What’s cheap. Postcards, key rings, cups. The tastelessness is just an extra added attraction.

What’s for Sale: $7.99 ceramic napkin holders shaped like film clapboards; $2.99 miniature “Hollywood� beer stein toothpick holders; $2.99 thimbles decorated with a Hollywood Walk of Fame star; $5.99, 6-inch statue of Harpo Marx standing on a film reel.

Quoted: “Tourists always ask for the same thing--posters from ‘The Wizard of Oz,’ ‘Casablanca,’ ‘Gone With the Wind’ and anything to do with James Dean and Marilyn Monroe,� said Eric Caidin, owner of the Hollywood Book & Poster Co. “These are all reproductions. When I tell them what the originals go for they almost faint on the spot.�

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The Tourist Stop: The gift shops at LAX.

The Ambience: Slick professionalism. The feeling that marketing committees have been studying product placement. As opposed to Hollywood Boulevard, where the decision-making process seems dominated by ex-carnival barkers turned merchants.

What Sets the Tone: Signs in Japanese.

What Sells Best: Oddly enough, 8-ounce boxes of chocolate-covered California almonds at $9 per. “Apparently it’s a tradition in Japan to bring small gifts back,� said Mara Bushanksy, assistant manager at the W.H. Smith store in the Bradley International Building. “They buy in multiples.�

Civic Distortion: There’s the impression that Mickey Mouse, Tweety Bird and Hideo Nomo are L.A.’s most famous residents.

What’s for Sale: $19 gold-plated “Beverly Hills� champagne glasses; $10.95 gold lame “Hollywood� baseball caps; “Gourmet L.A.,� a $30 recipe book from the Junior League of Los Angeles; $25 T-shirts with the words “Beverly Hills� on the pocket and fake $100 bills sewn inside.

Sure Bets for Next Year’s Discount Bin: The stacks of O.J. trial books by Christopher Darden, Robert Shapiro and Alan Dershowitz.

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The Tourist Stop: The Forest Lawn Memento shop.

The Ambience: Like being in an unusually serious museum store.

What Sets the Tone: Dead people being buried right outside the door.

What’s for Sale: Loads of religious icons. Imagine the Vatican gift shop but with more nudity. Reproductions of reproductions on display in the cemetery include a $24.95 framed “Last Supper,� a $5 Liberty Bell, a 12-inch white stone copy of Michelangelo’s “David,� $75 stained-glass miniature windows, $16 Aztec masks.

What Sells Best: $2.98 souvenir spoons with scenes of New Testament high points on the handles.

Quoted: “When you first come to Forest Lawn, you think ‘Omigosh, it’s a cemetery,’ � said shop supervisor Yvette Ludka. “I want people to appreciate the beautiful artworks we have here.�

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The Tourist Stop: Olvera Street.

The Ambience: This is the original CityWalk. Los Angeles history done as an outdoor shopping mall.

What Sets the Tone: Day of the Dead art. This works well here, would have been spectacular at Forest Lawn.

What’s for Sale: Lots of Tijuana-style merchandise, but at fixed prices. $44.95 1985 silver commemorative belt buckles; $24.95 leather bags embossed with the words “Los Angeles�; miniature $3.99 sombreros with “Los Angeles� sewn across the front; Native American drums with “Olvera Street� painted on the leather.

What Sells Best: Jumping beans, sombrero / serape magnets.

Quoted: “What always amazes me is the tourists don’t want to pay the sales tax,� said store owner Rosa Mariscal. “They think because we’re an open market they don’t have to pay.�

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The Tourist Stop: The Farmers Market.

The Ambience: A comfortable, frozen-in-time dishevelment. If it was for sale in the ‘50s, it’s probably still sold here.

What Sets the Tone: Busloads of tourists from the Midwest wandering around at lunchtime.

What’s for Sale: $1.69 sewing kits with pictures of Grauman’s Chinese on the cover; $17.50 “Los Angeles Police� Zippo lighters; $1.50 “L.A.� tea towels (big with the British); $7.95 ceramic salt and pepper shakers, one shaped like the Hollywood sign, the other the mountain it rests upon.

What Sells Best: Key chains and magnets. “Something that Grandma or Uncle Pete back East would like,� said Shirley Thomas, owner of the Gift Nook.