Insults Are the Best Medicine

Forget that lovely thought about doctors and dentists all hanging together as kindred healers singing “Kumbaya.� Ask a doctor or a dentist for the best joke they can remember, and chances are their favorite will insult a colleague, with orthopods taking the biggest hit.

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it requires many visits. And the lightbulb really has to want to change.

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What are the three longest years of an orthopedic surgeon’s training?

First grade.

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An internist, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist go duck hunting. Only one at a time can shoot.

So the internist goes first. He sees the ducks approaching but waits to shoot. “They look like ducks,� he says. “But I don’t know, I just wish I had more information.� Before he can shoot, the ducks fly by.

Next up: the psychiatrist. “I think they are ducks,� he says as more ducks approach. “I feel as if they are ducks. It seems like they are ducks.� As he talks, the ducks fly away.

When more ducks appear, the surgeon steps up, shoots half a dozen times in quick succession, then turns to the pathologist.

“Go see if those are ducks!� he barks.

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Why do dentists often seem moody?

Because they are always down in the mouth.

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A wealthy industrialist dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter greets him. “I want to meet God,� says the industrialist, impatiently.

“You’ll have to wait,� St. Peter tells him. “God is busy right now.�

Just then, a guy who looks a lot like God rushes across the hallway and into another room--only he’s dressed in a white coat with a stethoscope hanging around his neck.

“Was that God?� the industrialist quizzes St. Peter.

“Yes,� says Peter, looking embarrassed. “You’ll have to excuse him. He likes playing doctor.�

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A neurosurgeon preparing to do a brain transplant tells the patient he has three choices.

“You can have a concert pianist’s brain for $100 an ounce, a gynecologist’s brain for $500 an ounce or an orthopedist’s brain for $2,000 an ounce.�

“Why such a difference?�

“Do you know how many orthopedic surgeons it takes to find a pound of brain?�

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Why did the dentist get in trouble for playing practical jokes?

Because he pulled too many good ones.

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How do you hide a dollar bill from an orthopedic surgeon?

Put it in a book.

From a radiologist?

Pin it to a patient.

From a plastic surgeon?

You can’t hide a dollar bill from a plastic surgeon.

* Contributors: California Dental Assn.; Dr. Kevin Ehrhart, orthopedic surgeon at St. John’s Hospital and Health Center; Dr. Brian Johnston, emergency medicine specialist and president of medical staff, White Memorial Medical Center; Dr. Gregory Kay, cardiac surgeon and director of the cardiac surgery unit, Good Samaritan Hospital; Dr. Marvin H. Leaf, Rancho Mirage dentist; Dr. Amy Rosenman, Santa Monica gynecologist; Dr. Frank Vertosick Jr., associate chief of neurosurgery, Western Pennsylvania Hospital, Pittsburgh; Dr. Steven Zax, plastic surgeon, Century City Hospital.