Neglected homework, forgotten chores. Mom and Dad put the blame squarely on the computer and came up with . . . : A New Game Plan

Can a handful of computer video games throw a family out of kilter? Our games did, and it took us a month without them to regain our domestic equilibrium.

The computer and assortment of games we bought last September generated escalating arguments. Like the fabled pool halls of River City, those games beckoned to my 11-year-old son and 7-year-old daughter, luring them away for hours. My husband, David, and I are not immune either. His weakness is a computer golf game in which 18 holes on the screen take as long as on the green; mine is computer solitaire.

But it was the kids, Nathan and Miriam, whose game-playing was out of hand. The problem was the pace of these games, a pace set by the game, not the player. To keep up, players must concentrate completely, blocking out all distractions--such as parents, chores and homework. Trouble is, those distractions don’t go away. Homework piles up, the dinner table stays unset, the dirty dishes go uncleared and the parents become ever more unhappy.

Conflicts led David and me to impose a succession of schemes to limit game-playing. Each scheme failed. Homework was done hurriedly, chores were ignored and we all argued with one another more than we laughed. By late January, we were all grouchy and I keenly missed the easy, affectionate company of my children.

After one particularly bad weekend, David and I imposed a one-month ban on all computer games for the whole family. We acted out of desperation. I had little expectation that the computer was the source of all our domestic problems, but we both thought the ban was an experiment worth trying. We had nothing to lose. During that month and since, all four of us have been surprised by the change for the better.

*

Sunday evening, Jan. 28: This weekend, the usual high degree of chaos in our household had risen with the arrival of Betsy, a 7-week-old mutt. Betsy was housed in a pen on the dining room floor, steps away from the computer. And even though the kids had lobbied long and hard for a dog, they spent Saturday oscillating between Betsy and their current favorite game, Al Unser Jr. Arcade Racing. Al Unser Jr. won out. Homework and chores were postponed until Sunday morning. Although Nathan had announced on Friday that he had “a lot of homework,” by tonight he said there was really “not that much” he needed to do. At dinner, he worried that he’s not doing as well on some assignments as earlier in the year but admitted he’s also not spending as much time on his homework now.

Both kids told us they’re tired of us yelling at them about the computer. We said we’re tired of being ignored. The evening went from bad to worse: incomplete assignments, last-minute scurrying to finish, wet towels on the floor, tears and lots of yelling. David and I talked into the evening. We felt drained, sad and frustrated. With the failure of previous limits to end our family’s guerrilla war over game-playing, David suggested a one-month ban to test my theory that the children’s bristly moods, incomplete homework and withdrawal from their friends are related to the time they spend playing computer games. He also felt strongly that all four of us needed to participate in the ban.

*

Monday, Jan. 29: Before the children left for school, we laid out the particulars. They could use the computer to do their homework but they could not play their games until March 1. The ban applied to us too, we told them. To our surprise--and to their credit--they assented. No protests, no bargaining for leniency. They, too, wanted their family to be happier.

*

Thursday, Feb. 1: Two evenings without tears or tantrums. Betsy takes every spare minute for each of us, but we’ve had no trouble calling the kids to dinner and less trouble getting them through the usual evening routine of homework and showers. Incredibly, neither one is complaining about the loss of video games nor are they testing the limits of the ban. Instead, the tension level in the household seems to have palpably dropped. Is it my imagination?

*

Friday, Feb. 2: Yesterday was David’s birthday and even though it was a school night, the four of us celebrated with dinner out. With great flourish, Nathan and Miriam each presented him with a gift and a handmade card. We were all tired but it was a pleasure to be together.

*

Monday, Feb. 5: We had a good weekend. No fights about homework, fewer fights than usual about chores and other things. David played tennis with the kidsbrunch and the kids hung around listening for a long time. No fights over the computer, even over its use for homework. Can it be this easy?

*

Tuesday, Feb. 6: David and I agreed there’s been a noticeablechildren’s behavior. They seem happier, less volatile and more engaged in conversation and activities. We both think the change is related to the computer but we can’t believe it’s that simple. We agreed to ask the children for their interim reactions to the game ban, and their thoughts about how they might control their game-playing after the ban ends.

*

Saturday, Feb. 10: To our great surprise, both kids admitted to feeling less pressure and stress without the computer games. Life is certainly better because we’re not so angry, they said. They said they realized how distracted they had been by the computer games and had fewer conflicts with each other. They each said that the enforced abstinence from computer games had restored for them a sense of control over their lives.

I’m impressed with their perceptiveness and their willingness to discuss what had become such an charged subject. For me, family life is far less tumultuous without video games. The kids seem to enjoy being with us and their friends, walking Betsy in the neighborhood or just hanging around. I’m much happier not to be yelling so much.

*

Monday, Feb. 19: How can we learn to enjoy the computer games and not let them take over? One friend suggested downloading all the games from the hard drive onto disk, storing them away and allowing the kids to play only for a an hour or so. That seems like one option.

*

Sunday, Feb. 25: With the end of the ban just days away, we are negotiating over the limits on games after March 1. Both children have said they look forward to playing games again, but do I detect a certain lack of conviction? We talked the matter over on a hike up to Inspiration Point at Will Rogers State Park. The kids want no limits to apply past March 1. To David and me, that option guarantees a return to the status quo before the ban.

Our opening proposal was that the children can each choose one game every two weeks. They can play only that game for this period and they can play only after all homework and chores are completed. The children’s counterproposal--each child can play two games every two weeks. The adults rejected that suggestion on the grounds that the kids would not become as easily bored if they could choose between two games as if they were stuck with just one. Ah, said the children, that’s why we want two.

Our final proposal was that the kids could choose one new game each week. Failure to complete homework and chores or sullen behavior would result in the reimposition of the ban, only this time, the grown-ups would be exempt. Howls of protest ensued.

*

Monday, March 11: March 1 has come and gone. David and I expected the game-playing to resume immediately. Surprisingly, it hasn’t. Perhaps the children are afraid we all will revert to familiar, negative patterns. Perhaps the children have just gotten out of the habit of turning to the computer for entertainment. Whatever the reason, I know they will rediscover their games before long.

But I firmly believe that our month without games gave all four of us some much-needed breathing space, a chance to talk, to laugh and just to be together in a more relaxed way than we’d been in a while. Most important, it gave our kids a chance to reflect on their behavior and offered them an object lesson in controlling some of the stress in their young lives.