Punchlines

Think globally: How ‘bout “Babe� and Sharon Stone winning big in the Golden Globes?

* “Well, they said Stone would win a best actress award when pigs could talk.� (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Now the pig wants more money and a truffle on Hollywood Boulevard.� (Kenny Noble)

* “Everyone was truly surprised that Hugh Grant didn’t win for most original score.� (Alex Pearlstein)

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In the news: President Clinton will deliver his State of the Union address tonight.

* “The GOP response will be aired Wednesday, or whenever Clinton stops talking--whichever comes first.� (Argus Hamilton)

* “The president will talk about what he calls ‘the age of possibility.’ Since Whitewater, shouldn’t that be ‘the age of culpability’?� (Jenny Church)

Church says Hillary Rodham Clinton has been ordered to mail any future newly discovered law firm records to the Senate Whitewater committee, along with a stamped self-addressed subpoena.

Heavy rains and melting snow flooded the East while more blizzards pounded the Midwest. Says Hamilton, “Bob Dole just called for less violence on the Weather Channel.�

* Adds Cutler, “Forecasters predict Pittsburgh will be swamped again come Super Bowl Sunday.�

* Adds Charlie Reinke, “The earlier blizzard that kept New Yorkers inside caused TV viewing to rise by 101%. I guess we’ll have to wait nine months to see if any other indoor activity increased that much.�

Dole seemed a little disoriented during that MTV interview, says Bob Mills. “At one point, he promised to refer the problem of Smashing Pumpkins to the Department of Agriculture.�

This is National Book Week. Joe Kevany says anybody who thinks a week is too long can celebrate National Cliffs Notes Day.

Former tennis bad boy Ilie Nastase is running for mayor of Bucharest, Romania. Tony Peyser says his campaign slogan is, “I’m ready to serve. I’m also prepared to second serve.�

About that Disney video pulled from a Wal-Mart store because someone thought he heard Donald Duck say the “F-word�:

* “Sad to think kids are learning filthy words from cartoons. That’s what the NFL is for.� (Cutler)

* “This would be the most obscene thing to come out of Disney Studios since they announced Michael Eisner’s year-end bonus.� (Jerry Perisho)

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Dirty Harry to marry: Clint Eastwood, 65, applied for a license to wed Salinas anchorwoman Dina Ruiz, 30:

* “On bended knee, he asked her: ‘Do you feel lucky?’ � (Church)

* “He got down on one knee, drew his .45 and said, ‘Go ahead, make my wedding day.’ � (Pearlstein)

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Reader Chris Woodward of Manhattan Beach says son Tracy, 9, overheard her describing his 7-year-old brother, Nicky, as “wise beyond his years.� Later, repeating the comment to his father, he gave it a bit of a twist:

“Mom says Nicky is wise behind his ears.�