‘Tis the Season : The Gift That Keeps On Giving

“All I wanted,� said a friend of mine, looking up from a local magazine that shall remain nameless as it wasn’t this one, “was to find the ultimate West Coast Christmas present. But going by these ads,� she added, shaking the unfortunate publication, “the only thing you people buy, sell, swap or barter are restaurant reservations, 900 numbers and a frightening variety of cosmetic implants. What does that say to you about the L.A. consumer?�

Momentarily taken aback, I raised my chin and looked away, in a slightly pained and dismissive manner that I hoped conjured Mary Queen of Scots--wrongly maligned, too noble to acknowledge it. But since my friend is from New York, the subtlety was lost, so I was forced into a more vigorous defense of my chosen city. Grabbing the revered publication of her isle empire, I reeled off the ultimate East Coast Christmas list, courtesy of the ads in the New Yorker:

* A Panoply of Pins . Watering cans, golf clubs, geese in flight (“they mate for life�), cats and bats, hearts and flowers. If it is a form or substance with weight, shape and mass, you will find it re-created in sterling or 14K. Ideal for elderly aunts, former science teachers and other women who own hats.

* Red Diaper Dreams --�Adventure Cuba,� a seven-day, monthly cigar-smoking adventure that is (and this is really important) “fully legal.�

* The Big Bang . NRA lobbyist, Gettysburg groupie or just your average bearer of arms will be delighted to find a genuine Carbide Cannon under the tree. Home-security system or distinctive lawn ornament? Available in three sizes. Just remember: “the larger the cannon, the larger the bang.�

* John Mitchell Was an Ornithologist . . . For the bored bird watcher in your life, Wing Song, a feeder system with sound monitor that brings “the sound of wild songbirds right into your home--live.� That’s right, a bugged bird feeder. Who knows what they’ve been saying behind your back all these years?

* New, from Haversham Originals . . . For your favorite shut-in, the Dawn/Dusk Simulator. Attaches to any lamp and enables “your bedroom lighting to perfectly simulate the onset of sunrise and sunset.� No need for those pesky windows now.

* Woolmania. Cashmere watch caps, “plump� duvets, capes and sweaters, it does get cold back East. But for those who still yearn to seize the means of production, or who have always had a thing for sheep, there’s Adopt-An-Ewe. For only $100, “she will give you a queen-size wool blanket, a photo of her and her baby and a certificate of adoption.�

“Y’know,� said my friend, interrupting my tirade, “now that you mention it, a gift certificate for liposuction is the perfect stocking stuffer. . . .�