GOLF / THOMAS BONK : Ol’ Bob Landers Had a Dream, E-I-E-I-O

For a player who is No. 77 on the money list, farmer-turned-golfer Robert Landers has a lot of irons in the fire . . . also drivers, putters and metal woods.

You remember Landers? It’s kind of hard to forget him, in tennis shoes instead of spikes, with his Dickies cap, his mutton-chop sideburns and his black-and-white patterned bag that resembles a Holstein.

Landers is the unassuming Texas farmer who practiced on his farm by hitting golf balls over cows, quit his job chopping firewood, cashed in part of his IRA and somehow qualified for the Senior PGA Tour.

If that was a storybook tale, what has happened this year has been reality. No one has played more tournaments and won less money than Landers.

His best finish in 31 events is a tie for 21st. His winnings are $72,848 and that’s not close to the top 31 on the money list, the cutoff for exemptions to play next year.

Landers said he will try to qualify again for 1996.

“I’ll do whatever I have to do,� he said. “I’ll keep plugging away.�

Freddie Landers said it has been an interesting year for her and her husband. The golf has been one of the hardest parts.

“It’s like you’re in kindergarten one day and then they put you in high school the next,� she said.

Thanks to some shrewd planning, Landers could be in graduate school in marketing. In fact, Landers is not only a golfer, he is a corporation: Robert Landers Golf Inc., in Mineral Wells, Tex.

Want to talk to Landers? You can reach him at 1-800-MOO-CREW.

Want to read about him? Pick up a copy of his biography, called “Greener Pastures.�

Here’s part of what the news release says about the book: “Meet the major influences in his life: the irrepressible Freddie, his wife and guiding light; Oleo, his faithful and vigilant watchdog; and all the farm critters, including Winnie the wandering heifer.�

Yes, it’s quite a story. Want to see more of it? Get ready to check your local movie listings.

Davis Entertainment, the producer of “The Firm� and “Predator� and co-producer of “Waterworld,� has acquired the screen rights to the Landers story.

Said Freddie: “I hope they get Jaclyn Smith to play me.�

Said Landers: “If you get Jaclyn Smith to play you, then I want to play myself.�

Landers Golf Inc. is getting ready to market a line of woods featuring special “Holy Cow� graphite shafts. A line of wedges is planned next. Landers Golf. Inc., will market them as, yes, “cow chippers�

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Ben here before? Ben Hogan didn’t say much around the golf course, but somehow he has managed to become pretty handy with a quip.

At least that’s the way the stories are told.

There are three nearly identical golf stories, probably apocryphal, that have nearly identical Hogan quips as kickers.

Story 1: Hogan is playing Wilshire Country Club for the first time. He has a blind tee shot at No. 9. He is told to aim for the far-off Hollywood sign in the hills.

“Which letter?� Hogan said.

Story 2: Hogan is playing the Road Hole at St. Andrews. He has a blind tee shot over the corner of the Royal and Ancient Hotel. He is told to aim for the ‘O� in the painted hotel sign.

“Which one?� Hogan said.

Story 3: Hogan is playing Los Angeles Country Club. He has a blind tee shot at No. 12. He is told to aim for the palm trees in the distance.

“Which one?� Hogan said.

The moral of the stories? If anyone ever asks if you have heard the Hogan story about the blind tee shot, your correct response is: “Which one?�

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Ryder Cup P.S.: Dave Stockton, who was captain of the 1991 U.S. Ryder Cup team, said the PGA of America needs to change the selection system.

Ten players are chosen based on a two-year points system. Two more players are chosen by the captain. Stockton favors a nine-month selection process of all 12 players.

“It doesn’t take Einstein to figure this out,� Stockton said.

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Fast start: In its debut last year, the Diners Club match play event produced a final of Arnold Palmer-Jack Nicklaus and Raymond Floyd-Dave Eichelberger in the Senior PGA bracket.

It’s a first-round match this year at PGA West, where Jeff Maggert and Jim McGovern are top seeded in the PGA Tour division and Kelly Robbins and Tammie Green are top seeded in the LPGA Tour bracket.

The event will be played Dec. 7-10 at the Nicklaus Course.