LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Million Man March (give or take a few hundred thousand):

* “Members of Congress were astounded. They’d never seen that many people gathered on the Mall who weren’t lobbyists.� (Bob Mills)

* “Officials set up 3,000 portable toilets. And one fire hydrant for Snoop Doggy Dogg.� (Paul Ecker)

* “The only real trouble came when one marcher admitted to preferring Michael Bolton’s version of ‘Dock of the Bay.’ � (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “More Nation of Islam bodyguards would have been there, but Johnnie Cochran needed several in Los Angeles because he had to go pick up his dry-cleaning.� (Tony Peyser)

* “There haven’t been so many bow ties in a public park since the math and science clubs held their combined picnic.� (Gary Easley)

* “Nobody at the march recognized O.J. Simpson. He was wearing his fake beard.� (Jerry Perisho)

* “Some believe Louis Farrakhan’s message was inspired by Caesar: Vidi. Vici. Venom. “ (Kenny Noble)

* “Farrakhan got so carried away spewing racist epithets against whites, Jews and Asians that he accidentally used the ‘N-word.’ � (Larry Swerdlow)

*

Also in the news: Cutler, on word that Colin Powell is a distant cousin of Queen Elizabeth: “See? You get interested in running for public office and suddenly all the horrible dirt in your life comes out.�

Comic Jenny Church, on reports of cheating at livestock competitions by using dyes, cosmetic surgery and drugs on farm animals: “How do you tell which sheep are on drugs? They’re the ones following Pat Buchanan.�

Cutler, on charges that the CIA spied on Japan’s trade representatives during auto talks with the U.S.: “Now the CIA is spying on our auto industry to determine what exactly a ‘destination charge’ is.�

Comic Argus Hamilton, on O.J.’s Hollywood image: “His condition has been downgraded from critical to Senate Democrat. “

Mills, on a poll showing personal computer use is spotty and inconsistent: “53% exchange e-mail, 41% do research, 30% get news and 16% use their floppy disk slot to warm frozen breakfast crepes.�

Comedy writer Tyler Horn, on shaved heads and baggy clothing as popular attire for gangbangers: “There’s a good reason for it. It’s a lot easier to check for ticks and fleas.�

Mills, on the recent discovery of a 2 1/2-minute wax cylinder recording of Thomas Edison’s voice that was made in 1888: “More remarkably, just two days after he made the recording, a counterfeit version was sold to an American tourist in Taiwan.�

*

When Anaheim reader Michael Scofield took his nephew Jimmy, then 9, on a ride to the mountains above Lake Arrowhead one day, the young boy began to recognize some landmarks in the area:

“I’ve been here before,� Jimmy announced. “My Dad took me up here for some quality time.�