Goshdarnit, Lili, You’re Not Alone

My complaints about our new dog, Lili, who seems to be a miniature Doberman, have brought much sympathy from others similarly distressed and much advice.

You may remember that Lili, a very high-spirited dog, chews on anything loose she can find in the house--including shoes, socks, undergarments and books. As I mentioned, she recently chewed up “Miss Thistlebottom’s Hobgoblins,� Theodore Bernstein’s excellent book on outmoded rules of grammar, and a supermarket paperback called “There Are No Bad Dogs.�

The dog has so distracted my wife that she has hired a Swedish woman to give the dog lessons in obedience, at $100 a lesson. I question whether the dog is worth that, but my wife loves her.

John Redd of Palos Verdes writes that his Australian shepherd, Lakoda, chewed up his Mitsubishi TV remote control, which the company replaced. RCA also replaced our chewed up remote, for $80.

“You should get her a tennis ball,� advises Ann L. Mooney, “and when you are sitting in your chair, bounce it and let her bring it back to you. She will like that and connect her playing with the ball and you.�

We’ve tried that. My wife bought the dog a shaggy mop-like toy. I throw it and she brings it back and drops it in my lap. She sits there alert, waiting for me to throw it again. I throw it again. She brings it back. This could go on for hours. She is indefatigable.

I finally give it up. She gets bored and goes to fetch another slipper or shoe.

Diana Wolff of Rancho Palos Verdes writes that she broke her mixed Lab of grabbing personal objects by leading her to the refrigerator and trading the object for a slice of luncheon meat, meanwhile saying (very sweetly) what a smart dog she was. “It’s really just a game, and it’s saved our stuff from being mutilated.�

Meanwhile the dog will have eaten my lunch.

Patricia van Hartesveldt of Reseda says she turned her rogue dog Lily, like our Lili a sort of miniature Doberman, into a good obedient dog through obedience training.

“I found that dog behavior problems cannot usually be solved by addressing a single obnoxious behavior. Instead, I found that the dog, in the process of learning to heel, sit, lie down, stay and come when called over a period of two months, miraculously comes to look to you for guidance in everything he does, and whatever problems there are seem to melt away. . . .

“Lily is undoubtedly the smartest dog I’ve ever owned,� Van Hartesveldt goes on, “but despite her intelligence, or more likely, because of it, she was a terror when I first got her. Lily, like Lili, stole everything she could get her mouth around, dancing around the house and yard with me in hot pursuit, hollering, yes, ‘goddammit, Lily!’ �

It is interesting that Van Hartesveldt screamed “goddammit Lily� at her dog, just as my wife and I screamed at Lili in our exasperation.

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In that respect, I feel obliged to quote a letter from William B. (Pink) Pinkerton chastising me for using that same expression.

“Jack,� he says, “whatever type of language you want to use in your own home is between you and whatever occupants live there. If you want to profane the name of the deity in talking to them or your dog, that is none of my business.

“If you expect your readers to put up with it, you have reached a degree of senility that calls for you to hang it up permanently. Retire while you are still popular.

“Many, if not most, of us do not like to hear our Creator’s name used as an exclamation used to try to train a dog! Even most atheists and agnostics have more respect for other people than to use that type of profanity in the presence of others that might object. If you don’t care any more about your readers’ sensitivities than that, you have outlived your usefulness. Hang it up!�

If my use of goddammit offended anyone (besides Pink), I’m sorry. As I said, however, my wife used the term first, and it just seemed the right thing to say.

Actually, I tried saying “Goshdarnit, Lili,� but it just didn’t seem to get the job done.

Meanwhile, in view of Pink’s suggestion that I retire, I may be forgiven for quoting a letter from Sonja and Roger Wing of Reseda.

“Why do you need to debase your space by printing drivel from persons who don’t like some or all of your work? Those many of us who love you for your many years of literate, humorous, clean, good-natured, informative, entertaining columns are greatly offended by the bastards who read your work and then demean it. Let them get a life.�

Thanks, Sonja and Roger, I needed that.

* Jack Smith’s column is published Mondays.