LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Cirque du O.J.: “Soon to be heard at a local Denny’s: ‘Hey Garcetti, two coffees to table 4B.’ � (David Gee)

* “The O.J. jurors said they’d be ready to make a decision on the Menendez brothers trial by tomorrow.� (Paul Ryan)

* “Kato Kaelin strolled into the celebration at O.J.’s mansion and excitedly asked Johnnie Cochran, ‘So, are we going to appeal?’ � (Arni De La Paz)

* “The jurors weren’t too sad about leaving each other. They knew they’ll soon meet again at the ‘new releases’ table at Super Crown.� (Alex Pearlstein)

* “O.J.’s planned morning news conference had to be postponed. Because of the late-night celebrating, he’s resting up . . . no, he’s chipping golf balls . . . no, he’s packing his bags.� (Paul Ecker)

*

In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on Lyle Menendez not wanting TV coverage for his retrial: “He realizes that the acting is always worse in a sequel.�

Ryan, on back surgery that has kept Chief Justice William Rehnquist away from Supreme Court duties: “It had to be fixed. The problem was so bad that it had caused the entire court to lean to the right.�

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the Elks Lodge admitting women for the first time in 127 years: “Of course, the eligibility is still somewhat restrictive. You must be a graduate of the Citadel.�

Dino Londis, on the new $100 bill: “The old bills will still be honored, and will still hold their same value of about $65.�

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Julia Roberts’ upcoming role as “Poison Ivy� in “Batman IV�: “She’ll get $6 million, a percentage of the gross and a lifetime supply of calamine lotion.�

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen, who’ll wed Saturday: “Their next-door neighbor on Martha’s Vineyard is Alan Dershowitz. Any time they want him to come out and say ‘hi,’ they just tap their car bumpers in the driveway.�

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Business briefs: Comedy writer Paul Steinberg, on IBM hiring the president of Boston Chicken as its new chief strategist: “Next time IBM lays an egg, it’ll at least have someone who knows what to do with it.�

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on the GOP plan to allow private firms to assist the IRS: “For example, instructions for how to prepare for an audit could be written by the folks at Preparation H.�

Ray, on the Dial soap company’s plan to lay off 700 workers because of slumping sales: “The termination notices were kind of tacky: Aren’t you glad you use Dial. Don’t you wish everybody did? “

*

Canoga Park reader Ann Bonnor’s grandson, Ryan, a fourth-grader, was studying family heritage, and his teacher asked the students to bring in memorabilia and antiques pertaining to their backgrounds. Ryan raised his hand and asked:

“Can I bring in my grandmother.�