LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on Gen. Colin Powell’s book tour: “Twenty-five cities. And once again, he’s not going to Baghdad.�

* Adds comic Steve Tatham: “Powell says Democrats have suffered an ‘intellectual death.’ Of course, you have to consider that this is from a guy who believes in the concept of ‘military intelligence.’ �

Comic Argus Hamilton, on President Clinton agreeing with Sen. Bob Dole that there’s way too much sex in Hollywood: “The difference is that Dole wants it to stop, while Clinton wants to move it to Washington.�

Comedy writer Paul Steinberg, on Clinton aide George Stephanopoulos being cleared for leaving the scene of an “accident�: “He said what he did was ‘stupid but not criminal.’ Kind of sums up the Clinton Administration, doesn’t it?�

Comic Bill Maher, on the discovery of a Chinese herb that curbs alcohol consumption in hamsters: “Hamsters have a huge booze problem. In fact, every year, thousands of ‘em die behind the wheel.�

Cutler, on a new study that shows exercise relieves depression: “It shows that the more you exercise, the easier it is to climb out of a rut.�

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on Monday’s official opening of Planet Hollywood in Beverly Hills: “Typical Beverly Hills. A rich, unmarried movie producer barely escaped with his life after realizing he was the Catch of the Day.�

* Adds comedy writer Bob Mills: “First-nighters confirmed that like the movies of its owners--Bruce Willis, Sly Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger--most of the entrees were overdone.�

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Bob Hope firing his butler for not shaving his beard: “Hope’s servants spend their days cleaning antique pieces in the house. Twice a day, they dust off his monologues.�

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on LAPD Chief Willie L. Williams: “They’re making a movie about the complimentary amenities he received from a Las Vegas casino. It’ll be called, ‘Freebie Willie.’ �

*

Cirque du O.J.: “The Simpson estate has been tagged by graffiti that says, ‘Don’t Squeeze the Juice.’ Police suspect it is a warning to the Dream Team, put there by O.J.’s accountant.� (Mills)

* “The California appeals court has come up with a compromise. The defense cannot mention anything specific about Mark Fuhrman’s racism. But they can say he’s having lunch with Marge Schott at Denny’s.� (Maher)

* “Dream Team attorneys Barry Scheck and Peter Neufeld are developing a TV series based on their law practice. It’ll be called ‘Fiends.’ � (Alex Kaseberg)

*

Hemet reader Marjorie Johnson recalls one of the first times that her son Philip, then 4 1/2, ordered for himself at a restaurant. When the waitress asked him how he wanted the steak he had ordered, he didn’t understand what she meant. Looking at her very seriously, Philip finally replied:

“Tender. “