COMMITMENTS : Bully for You : What do you do when your boss is yelling at you or your kid is being beaten up at school? The best advice, experts say, is to stay cool.

By KATHLEEN O. RYAN

July 31, 1995 12 AM PT

SPECIAL TO THE TIMES

They may not resemble Popeye’s burly Brutus or Charlie Brown’s loudmouthed Lucy, but bullies invade our lives from the schoolyard to corporate headquarters.

They threaten. They yell. They massage their egos by making us squirm.

They try to screw up our lives--often because someone or something has screwed up theirs.

“Bullies use their arrogant and intimidating behavior to cover up tremendous insecurities,” says Leonard Felder, a Los Angeles psychologist, management consultant and author of “Does Someone at Work Treat You Badly?” (Berkeley-Putnam, 1983).

“Bullies do well in the corporate setting because our society is not about people forming a consensus,” he says. “It’s about bullies getting their way.”

Whether in the office, on the playground or at home these thoughtless thugs unload their frustrations on those who allow domineering and aggressive behavior to prevail.

“Children learn from a very early age that loud and aggressive behavior gets attention,” says Rob Wareham, a former teacher and dean, now an adviser for the student discipline proceedings unit with the Los Angeles Unified School District. “If I’m quiet and bookish I get ignored, especially if I’m a girl.”

A study by the National Assn. of Elementary School Principals finds one in 10 students is habitually attacked or harassed by a bully. During their school years, 15% of all children are involved in bully-victim conflicts.

Unfortunately, Wareham says, the most common advice parents give their children about bullies is that they must stand up to them physically--which endorses bullying behavior.

“Society says it’s OK to bully,” Wareham says. “The movies promote it. Our kids see victims ridiculed and bullies glamorized.”

Experts find that those who bully others have nearly always been abused and belittled themselves.

“I think we ignore the fact that the bully needs help too,” says Rich Mills, a peer counselor and conflict-resolution specialist with the LAUSD.

Research from the National School Safety Center shows that bullies most likely come from homes in which the parents are cold and uninvolved or where they use physical punishment and react aggressively to their children. Experts see domestic abuse as a major factor in the making of a bully.

Mills says young bullies will more likely grow up to become criminals or suffer family and professional problems. NSSC statistics show that 60% of male bullies identified at the middle-school level have criminal records by age 24.

Oddly enough, bullies and their victims share a trait--a lack of self-esteem. One reacts by lashing out, the other by withdrawing.

“When someone bullies you it’s natural to feel childlike and stupid,” Felder says. “If you get physically upset or start yelling back you’ve helped the bully to accomplish their goal of making you uncomfortable.”

“Dealing with a bully is as much about not becoming a victim,” says Andrew Rakos, a West Los Angeles restaurateur and teen counselor in the L.A. Free Clinic’s STEP program, which offers employment counseling and day-labor employment for homeless youths trying to get back on their feet.

“Many of these kids have been running from bullies all their lives. They are at a low point and self-esteem plays a major part in whether you get bullied or not,” he says.

“I tell these kids to take care of themselves by distinguishing between feelings and reality. If a boss is yelling at you because of something you did, remove yourself from the verbal abuse, accept responsibility and help find a solution. The idea is to get through the moment with dignity and honor,” Rakos says. “You always lose if you make it a personal issue.”

Felder suggests telling the bully:

Let’s talk about this in private. You go first and I won’t interrupt. When you’re done I’ll see if I have any questions.

“Show the bully you are not in the blame business, but in the results business,” Felder says. “What they’re not expecting is for you to stay managerial, professional and adult.”

If you see someone else reeling from a bully’s bluster, think before you intervene.

“Consider who is the right person to defuse the situation,” Felder says. “If you send in the wrong person to help, including yourself, it can put kerosene on the fire.”

Felder and Rakos agree that bullies look for things to set them off.

“Bullies are paranoid and think others are out to get them,” Rakos says. At his restaurant he finds them easy to spot.

“They’ll keep harping over and over that they received the wrong food or some other problem. They get loud and belligerent, instead of calmly taking care of the matter. They cannot reach a resolution and look for someone who lacks authority to take it out on. I tell employees to stop immediately and come get the manager or myself. For bullies it’s not an issue of right or wrong, but of being in control. Usually in the face of authority they back down.”

Unfortunately the bullies we deal with in public are often bullies at home too. At best, they are domineering spouses or parents with unreasonable demands. At worst, they are physically dangerous to those around them. How do people get involved with them?

“It usually starts out that he seems very concerned for her,” says Harriet Shapiro, a West Hollywood marriage and family counselor and author of the book “Understanding Domestic Violence” (self published, 1993). “He loves her so much he has to take care of everything in her life. For a young woman with a boyfriend it looks like he’s protecting her and seems very positive.”

Shapiro says soon his protectiveness encompasses her whole life. “She can’t see her family. She can’t go to the market alone. He buys her clothes. She can’t leave the house. His total focus becomes controlling her and that’s where the bully comes in. When she doesn’t comply it turns to physical abuse, because all along he’s been emotionally abusing her,” she says.

Shapiro says domestic abusers wield the ultimate intimidation by threatening to hurt their victims if they tell. Like most bullies, domestic abusers think their target has offended them in a way that mandates retaliation. It is the same dark secret shared by many who are bullied.

Wareham finds the best thing to do is build the victims’ self-esteem while getting the people involved talking about the situation.

In the workplace as well there is no shame in seeking help. Nearly everyone answers to someone. Felder suggests documenting everything including times, places and witnesses to the incident.

“It is good protection if you are ever wrongfully terminated, but more than that do it for your own sanity,” Felder says. “It will let you know that you’re not being overly sensitive.”