LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on Hillary Rodham Clinton’s newspaper opinion column: “President Clinton is really proud of her. He said, ‘I could never write an opinion column. I could write two opinion columns, but I could never write one.’ ”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on the physicist who claims he’s Albert Einstein’s son: “This falls under Einstein’s Extra Special Theory of Relativity: If you’re famous, everybody claims to be your relative.”

Comedy writer Russ Myers, on research showing that yo-yo dieting doesn’t increase the risk of heart disease: “It does often lead, however, to a compulsion to go ‘round the world and to walk the dog.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on a study that says a growing number of men would rather have pot roast than sex: “In two minutes, sex is done and forgotten. With a pot roast, you have sandwiches for a week.”

Leno, on another study that says 25% of people use television to enhance their love life: “Unfortunately for the remaining 75%, TV is their love life.”

Premiere Morning Sickness, on “Waterworld’s” opening: “Theater owners have already sandbagged the aisles--to withstand the flood of bad reviews.”

Comic Jenny Church, on the retirement of Sears’ CEO: “It’s already picked a new chairman, but he doesn’t look at all like he did in the catalogue.”

Church, on John Denver’s trial next month for DUI: “His record company is surprised that he drove his Porsche into a tree. It’s his first hit in 15 years.”

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Among the Top 10 factual errors in “Apollo 13,” according to David Letterman:

* Jim Lovell never told Houston, “Forget about us! Just free Willy!”

* Crew never cruised Sunset Boulevard in a lunar module looking for hookers.

* Mission was not “to open Gap store on the moon.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “In further proof of a frame-up, F. Lee Bailey claims there were traces of EDTA found in his last Bloody Mary.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Given how the police treated Simpson before his arrest, EDTA on the socks is more likely evidence that they did his laundry.” (Cutler)

* “With all this talk about preservatives, the Twinkie defense can’t be far away.” (Brad Halpern)

* “Financial reports show the trial has cost $6.5 million so far, which isn’t that much when you figure it’s only $75,000 per alibi.” (Bob Mills)

* “After watching the Simpson trial, Tommy Lasorda feels much better. His defense doesn’t look nearly so bad now.” (Argus Hamilton)

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Riverside reader Howard Baral’s cat didn’t return from the vet after a car accident, prompting daughter Romy, 5, to ask where the kitty was. When Baral told her he was in cat heaven, she gave him a confused look and said:

“I thought he was dead.”