LAUGH LINES : A True Expert on What Makes Hugh Tick

T oday’s guest columnist is noted sex therapist Dr. Niles Love, who will answer reader questions on love and romance. Dr. Love has extensive experience dealing with human sexual dysfunction, including his own.

DEAR DR. LOVE: So what’s the deal with Hugh Grant anyway?

A: Like many famous people, Mr. Grant apparently buckled under to the twin demons of stress and opportunity. The British actor is also living proof that you don’t find your hobbies; your hobbies find you--especially if you’re driving a really expensive BMW.

It’s also worth noting that, historically, men seem to gravitate toward activities where they can:

* hit each other;

* spit a lot;

* or get touched by women they hardly know.

Keep in mind that the British have a far more tolerant view of what constitutes deviant sexual behavior. In fact, the Magna Carta, Britain’s landmark human rights doctrine, states specifically in Chapter 7, Row 4 that, “All famous British men have the right to sexual happiness, even if it means abdicating the throne or dressing up like their mothers.”

DEAR DR. LOVE: If Hugh Grant has to pay for it, what does that mean for the rest of us?

A: Bring plenty of cash.

DEAR DR. LOVE: Is chocolate an aphrodisiac? If so, where can I buy it in bulk?

A: Many experts believe the chemical properties in chocolate do indeed make some people more affectionate. They also may cause acne. This brings on an interesting dual situation where you’re getting uglier even as you’re becoming more aroused--much like being in junior high school.

Please note that chocolate, like love itself, melts when exposed to harsh light. In any case, you can buy it by the ton at any theater showing a Hugh Grant movie.

DEAR DR. LOVE: Whenever my bozo boyfriend buys me intimate apparel, the brassieres are almost always too big and the panties far too small. What gives?

A: As with almost all shopping efforts, bozo boyfriends fare miserably when it comes to buying lingerie. This is because they are not picturing you, but instead some impossibly engineered Barbie Doll woman they wish you could be. So if you are normally endowed, chances are, he will bring home a bra with cups resembling patio umbrellas.

Mistakes also happen because men generally are unsure of what the letter designations in brassieres really mean. The answer may be to make brassiere sizes correspond directly to gun caliber sizes, which men seem to understand inherently. Under the gun calibration system, instead of a 34B you might be a .38 Special. This has some appeal and is currently being studied by the Food and Drug Administration.

DEAR DR. LOVE: When I fall in love, will it be forever?

A: Cases of love lasting forever have been documented, but they usually involved the kind of love between little boys and their dogs.

For the rest of us, long-lasting love takes hard work. One useful device for prolonging a relationship is the boyfriend-husband oath. This oath can help give a guy a second chance when those inevitable little misunderstandings arise. It reads:

“I am really, really, really sorry. Whatever I did, it was an accident. Whatever I said, I didn’t mean it--especially that stuff about your mother. If there was another woman involved, she doesn’t mean anything. You are my one and only. One. Only. Only. One. No kidding.”

This all-purpose apology, though not legally binding, should be repeated often. Some men like to say it first thing in the morning, as sort of a down payment on the rest of the day.

DEAR DR. LOVE: How am I supposed to love a man who doesn’t take care of himself? His bellybutton functions like a giant lint trap, and all he’s interested in are sports and beer.

A: Honey, I thought I told you never to bother me at work.