LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on The Newt’s MTV appearance: “He was asked the same question as President Clinton--boxers or briefs. Why didn’t the reporter just ask Rupert Murdoch? He’s been in bed with Gingrich for months.�

Jay Leno, on the tobacco industry saying that although nicotine is addictive, it’s also naturally present in vegetables: “How come you never see people standing outside an office building in the rain eating an eggplant?�

* Adds comic Argus Hamilton: “The American Medical Assn. has sent a letter accusing the tobacco executives of cover-up and conspiracy. The doctors even put a Nixon stamp on the envelope.�

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the L.A. parks commission chairman admitting he played 23 rounds of golf without paying greens fees: “Even worse, on every round he was permitted two mulligans.�

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the MTA firing the company doing the Hollywood portion of the troubled Metro Rail: “Sources said Shea-Kiewit-Kenny had dug itself a hole it couldn’t get out of.�

Bob Beberfall, on the survey revealing that 84% of men fantasize about being in bed with two women at the same time: “Actually, these men are very considerate. This gives the women someone to talk to after the man falls asleep.�

Mickey Rosenfield, on the Oxnard Police Department selling advertising on its vehicles: “The first corporate sponsor has been signed. The back of all patrol cars will now have a sticker that reads, Caution: I Brake for Winchell’s. “

Hamilton, on the call-in vote to decide the fate of the Miss America Pageant’s swimsuit competition: “They will have it for sure. Either the yes vote will win, or the President will declare martial law.�

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Michael Jackson hiring a new agent: “The superstar doesn’t shell out a million bucks to just anybody. You’ve got to have excellent credentials--or a court order.�

Ray, on the new on-line dating service, Match.Com: “A computer enthusiast can surf cyberspace, looking for his dream come true: That one special person who doesn’t have a life either.�

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Cirque du O.J.: “Simpson’s lawyers have really been focusing on the time element. Johnnie Cochran says bill the client for 40 hours a week, while Robert Shapiro wants to bill him for 60.� (Ray)

* “Judge Ito ruled defense attorneys can’t question Faye Resnick’s ex-boyfriend about her drug use in an attempt to suggest the murders were a drug hit. He did say, however, that they were still free to use the theory at parties when they are trying to get a laugh.� (Cutler)

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Mission Viejo reader Ron Thompson’s grandson Corey, 6, lives in a house that overlooks Disneyland. Corey recently informed some visitors:

“You should see the fireworks in Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom . “