LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the $16-billion Senate bill held up over logging rights: “Lumber mills have one good question: If two teens can breed in the back seat of a Volkswagen, why do spotted owls need 2,000 acres?”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Connie Chung and Maury Povich adopting a baby boy, Matthew Jay: “His real name is Dan, but Connie had it changed.”

Jay Leno, on a recent tire company survey that revealed 38% of men love their car more than they love women: “You have to look at the reasoning behind it. When you are trying to find out what’s wrong with your car, it doesn’t go ‘nothing’ or ‘I don’t know.’ ”

Jon Stewart, on the cancellation of his late-night TV talk show: “If I’ve learned one thing, it’s that it’s really hard to sneak out a desktop computer past even the most incompetent of security guards.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the man outfitted by doctors with a remote-controlled implant to cure his impotence: “His wife isn’t happy--all he does is channel surf all day.”

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Sports shorts . . . Hamilton, on the President calling to congratulate new U.S. Open golf champion Corey Pavin: “Clinton is a confirmed golf addict. His 1996 campaign slogan is: How about a mulligan? “

Cutler Comedy Network, on Darryl Strawberry joining the Yankees: “He may tune up in Triple A. He’s spent plenty of time in AA. . . . The Yanks may make him a designated hitter. They certainly won’t make him a designated driver.”

Cutler, on some religious groups protesting the name of hockey’s New Jersey Devils: “Satan doesn’t have anything to do with hockey. He’s too busy messing with baseball.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “FBI shoe expert William J. Bodziak has impeccable credentials: B.S. from Columbia, Ph.D. from Harvard, and an honors certificate of completion from the Imelda Marcos International Instep Institute.” (Mills)

* “William J. Bodziak? Isn’t he the guy who advised J. Edgar Hoover whether to wear pumps or heels?” (Jerry Perisho)

* “Christopher Darden may be about to make another prosecutorial faux pas. His next shoe expert is Dr. Scholl.” (Mills)

* “If prosecutors plan to have O.J. try on a pair of shoes, I hope they first remember to remove the wad of tissue inside the toe.” (Brad Halpern)

* “Leather gloves and expensive Italian soft-suede shoes worn with a knit watch cap? O.J.’s lucky Mr. Blackwell isn’t on the jury.” (Bob Lacey)

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Richard Lee Colvin of Altadena was clipping roses after work when he caught the sleeve of his favorite dress shirt on a thorn and tore it. Later, he told daughter Laura, 5, that he was sad about it. Citing the philosophy of “The Lion King,” she replied:

“Dad, you’re going to have to get used to things like that in the Circle of Life.”