Inventor of Leaf Blower Guilty of Noise Torture

* Something more urgent than, and unrelated to, the Simpson case going on: the capture and conviction of the inventor of the leaf-blower machine. I submit we forget the trial for a moment and consider this important issue.

I am jarred awake many mornings by the deafening sound of the gardener’s leaf blower and decided to study one unsuspecting gardener. I awoke to the hellish noise outside my window and watched as the Quasimodo-esque gardener gingerly covered a dirt area between my apartment and the next building.

I thought to myself, why is he blowing dirt? Is he trying to wake up the worms as well? In fact, it took him five minutes to blow one single leaf to the spot where he wanted it. Would bending over and picking it up or raking it be too much of a strain?

I wanted to confiscate the leaf, place it in a plastic evidence bag, seal it, mark it and enter it as an exhibit in my case before it started to degrade.

I hope the inventor of this heinous gadget comes forward and takes responsibility for his actions, thus saving another costly trial. Is there anyone else out there who wonders what happened to the broom and rake? Perhaps it’s more satisfying to carry one of these heavy contraptions on your back and commence to awaken the neighborhood.

We can forgive the lawn mower; the only alternative is to cut your lawn with a pair of scissors unless you want to purchase a cow.

Let’s find this inventor and charge him with public noise torture. If he’s found guilty, sentence him to leaf imprisonment.

CYNDI NEWTON

Burbank