LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on former VP Dan Quayle saying he will do everything he can to make sure President Clinton is a one-term President: “I guess he’s going to be Clinton’s running mate.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Pennsylvania Avenue being closed to car traffic in front of the White House: “It doesn’t really make the President any safer. The special prosecutors can just come on foot.”

Hamilton, on the National Rifle Assn. convention: “Turns out Phoenix wasn’t its first choice for a site. But Kingman was booked up.”

Comedy writer Leslie Coogan, on HUD secretary Henry Cisneros agreeing to a $49,000 settlement to his former mistress, after already shelling out $215,000 to her: “Apparently, Henry doesn’t understand that he’s supposed to provide housing to more than one American at a time.”

Cutler Comedy Rock Network, on the removal of Connie Chung as co-anchor of the “CBS Evening News”: “It was a rather predictable development. . . . The two had less chemistry than an elementary school dropout.”

* Adds comic Jenny Church: “Connie is so mad, she will no longer let CBS use her biological clock as the intro for ’60 Minutes.’ ”

Comedy writer Stan Kaplan, on the newly graduated, 17-year-old doctor: “Experienced physicians say he’s excellent with a scalpel, but needs more practice with his putter.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Disney buying 25% of the California Angels: “There are already connections. For years the Angels have referred to the World Series as never-never land.”

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Police Blotter . . . Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the $5 million in computer chips taken from an Irvine firm by armed robbers: “Police will ask McGruff the police dog to take a byte out of crime.”

New York officers danced naked in, and damaged, a D.C. hotel last week:

* “Most covered their private parts--with their stomachs.” (Ray)

* “Washington police came several times--to investigate complaints and bring more beer.” (Paul Ryan)

* “To make restitution, the New York cops’ bribes will be garnished.” (Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness)

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Here comes the bride . . . Just in time for the big June rush, here are some ways to tell if you’re at a bad wedding, from comedy writer Kevin S. Healey:

* You knew the groom way back, when he was a bride.

* The church has a two-drink minimum.

* You’re told not to throw rice in the delivery room.

* The preacher says, “The groom may now kiss his sister.”

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Simi Valley reader Lori Varola’s daughter Sarah, 4, was unusually quiet one afternoon. When Varola asked her what she was thinking about, Sarah reported that she had learned to ride a bike, tie her shoes and blow a bubble. Then, in a worried tone, she asked:

“What else is there?”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.