LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton on Bob Packwood becoming the GOP voice for saner spending cuts and tax breaks: “Only in America can a man face 28 sexual harassment charges and still be considered the Senate’s conscience.”

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on the annual Pro-Am Snipe Hunt last Saturday in Moultrie, Ga.: “Animal rights groups pretended to protest.”

Comedy writer Michael Connor, on new FBI fingerprint technology that can ID suspects in two hours: “Only Larry King makes quicker matches.”

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on researchers claiming to cure people’s fear of heights by using a virtual reality computer: “Still, they report that nothing can cure the horrible fear of seeing a naked fat guy getting out of a lawn chair.”

Comic Johnny Robish, on the massive LAPD/FBI sweep of L.A.’s most notorious street gang, the Eight-Tray Gangster Crips: “Gee, with a name like that, I’d assumed that their emphasis was on community service.”

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Play Ball! . . . Soon to be heard in major league locker rooms nationwide: “Try to keep it down, Lefty. You just broke the glass in the broadcast booth.”

* “Is that your stomach, Duke, or did you swallow a basketball?”

* “Can anyone change a $1,000 bill?”

* “Whose Toyota is this in my parking space?” (Bob Mills)

“The strike is over and Pete Rose is relieved. He couldn’t get the hang of replacement betting.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Major leaguers say they’ll need three weeks to get ready for the season: one to get loose and two to regain leg and arm strength. Managers say they’ll need three weeks, too: one to get fat and two to get lazy.” (Healey)

* “Fans knew owners had voted to end the strike when white smoke rose over concession stands.” (Mills)

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The Final Four: “Arkansas’ Dwight Stewart hit a 65-footer to end the first half in Saturday’s win over North Carolina. A long shot? That’s President Pat Buchanan territory.” (Cutler)

* “Tyus Edney, UCLA’s amazing guard, has done more twisting and spinning than O.J.’s defense.” (Cutler)

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Cirque du O.J.: “Shapiro was unable to shake the testimony of O.J.’s wealthy neighbor about the Bronco not being parked at specific times. He forgot that when you wear a $16,000 Rolex, you tend to look at it a lot.” (Mills)

* “The good news for the two Americans sentenced to eight years in prison in Iraq is that they’ve been given a month instead of two weeks to appeal. The bad news? Their court-appointed lawyer is F. Lee Bailey.” (Peyser)

* “We lost an hour to daylight savings. That means Kato had to change his internal clock from a flashing 12:00 to, well, a flashing 12:00.” (Healey)

* “Asked about Kato’s acting talent, one coach stated: ‘Well, he ain’t no Jim Varney.’ ” (Jon Michaels)

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As Tarzana reader Neil Wenger’s daughter Ariela, 3, watched her granddad demonstrate his antique player piano, she became very excited, and asked:

“Will you come over and teach our piano to play like that?”