LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on The Newt’s rating in a recent poll: “He got high marks as House Speaker, but some see him as an extremist of questionable character. In other words, he’s hovering in the middle ground between Eugene and Joseph McCarthy.�

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Jimmy Carter’s settling the Sudan war: “Americans aren’t all that impressed. It’s not like he settled the baseball strike.�

Hamilton, on the White House’s plans to replace the CIA with a private corporation: “So much for patriotism. Would Nathan Hale have regretted that he had but one life to give for his vice president of marketing?�

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on “The Ten Commandments,� set to air again on April 9: “This time around it will be the director’s cut, with an additional seven minutes of film and three additional commandments.�

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on a bill to force the IRS to prove taxpayers wrong instead of filers having to prove they’re right: “That’s a great idea. Imagine Congress sitting on the curb with a sign reading ‘Will work for taxes.’ �

North Hollywood reader Richard McEnroe, on Oliver North producing programs for a conservative cable channel: “He’s working with David Duke on a kid’s program: ‘The Ku Klux Klan & Ollie Show.’ �

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on four talent agents fired by Hollywood powerhouse ICM: “They were found guilty of the unpardonable sin--being reachable by phone.�

South Pasadena reader Ron Rosen, on Dodger prices during the strike: “The good news--box seats will be only $3.50. The bad news--Dodger dogs will be $10; a beer will be $15.�

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Among reader Louise Grijalva’s Top 10 ways you know you’re married to a professional mechanic:

* “The quality of the beer in the fridge depends on the complexity of his last side job.�

* “Can explain how an air bag operates, but can’t remember when the oil was last changed.�

* “His name’s embroidered on all his dress shirts.�

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Cirque du O.J.: “Prosecutors allege O.J. ditched the knife in an airport trash can prior to check-in. Apparently, the white zone is now reserved for the immediate loading and unloading of murder weapons only.� (Alex Pearlstein)

* “Robert Shapiro really put holes in the skycap’s testimony when he asked, ‘Have you ever tagged luggage for the wrong destination?’ � (Brad Halpern)

* “Johnnie Cochran was unable to trick limo driver Allan Park into identifying a bag O.J. didn’t use. However, in another test, Park admitted he couldn’t tell the difference between Classic and Diet Coke.� (Peyser)

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While Anaheim reader Keith Frohreich and his son were stopped at a traffic light, they saw a nearby van with an advertisement for Heidi’s Mobil Dog Grooming Service. The boy pondered it briefly, then asked:

“Do they make dogs get married?�