LAUGH LINES : Jokes - Los Angeles Times
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LAUGH LINES : Jokes

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His Airness: “Michael Jordan is back, but he seems to have forgotten that in shorts, you don’t need to scratch as much.†(Bob Mills)

* “Some say he is returning because he needs the money. What’d he blow his millions on? Certainly wasn’t batting lessons.†(Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

* “It’s the most ballyhooed return since MacArthur’s.†(Cutler)

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In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on Sen. Bob Dole telling the NRA that he’ll sponsor a bill to legalize automatic weapons: “It’s a shrewd political move. He doesn’t want to concede the nut vote to Pat Buchanan just yet.â€

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Comic Jenny Church, on candidate Buchanan saying he’ll line the southern U.S. border with troops: “That’s just to keep most Americans from leaving.â€

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on some conservatives pressing Dan Quayle to get into the race: “There’s probably no way. They could draft him at the convention, but he’d just call Dad.â€

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on today’s birth anniversary of Johann Sebastian Bach: “He’s one of the most influential composers in musical history--aside from Yanni and John Tesh.â€

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Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the company that will send a topless maid to your house: “Another firm will send a nude handyman. If you schedule them both on the same day, I wouldn’t count on anything getting done.â€

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What’s up, Doc? Part I: Jay Leno, on the doctor in Antarctica who removed his own appendix: “He said the worst part wasn’t the operation. It was the two hours he had to wait before he could see himself.â€

Part II: Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the $250,000 settlement agreed to by the Tampa man whose foot was mistakenly amputated: “He turned down the doctor’s earlier offer: $150,000 and a free vasectomy.â€

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Cirque du O.J.: “Had another bomb scare at the Criminal Courts building. The defense lawyers thought another witness might blow up in their faces.†(Leno)

* “Johnnie Cochran is bringing in witnesses that Colin Ferguson even refused to question.†(Ryan)

* “With big hype, but little delivery, the ‘contract with America’ is sounding a lot like O.J.’s defense witnesses.†(Tony Peyser)

* “Shapiro said he didn’t want to use the race card. And, that if it wasn’t for O.J., he would have discarded the other jokers long ago.†(Brad Halpern)

* “Monday was Earth Day; the day targeted by the Dream Team that O.J. would be officially declared ‘dirt poor.’ †(Jerry Perisho)

* “There’s a new cocktail out there called The Alibi . It’s made with Bailey’s and OJ, and those who have tasted it say it’s remarkably weak.†(Bob Lacey)

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A 6-year-old boy in Davilynn Furlow’s Irvine neighborhood stopped by with his mother to solicit support for his elementary school jog-a-thon. When she asked him if he wanted her to pledge, the boy replied:

“No, I want money!â€

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