LAUGH LINES : THE YEAR IN REVIEW : Punchlines

For the past 36 weeks, professional gag writers, comics and Laugh Lines readers have tried to bring a smile to your face. As 1994 comes to an end, we thank you for your contributions and readership, and reprint some of the year’s best jokes.

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An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.

What’s the last thing Bill Clinton said to Paula Jones as she left the hotel room? “What are you going to do, make a federal case out of it?�

If a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $2.98 a minute.

Why do so many women with fake fingernails, eyelashes and boobs complain there are no real men?

My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. It’s not much of a guard dog, but it’s a vicious gossip.

What do sex and golf have in common? Men think they are better at both than they really are.

Tractor pulls were invented so professional wrestling fans would have someone to look down on.

A home-study course for kids who want to come to Hollywood and look for agents: Hooked on Phonies.

It’s been so hot in Los Angeles that the Menendez brothers are sticking to their story.

The perfect marriage? Adam and Eve. He didn’t have to hear about the men she could’ve married. She didn’t have to hear about his mom’s cooking.

Seen on a working girl’s desk: “Of course I don’t look as busy as the men. I did it right the first time.�

Overheard in a gay bar: You mean you were in the closet for 20 years and you came out wearing that?

Sign at a watering hole: “If the barmaid looks beautiful to you, don’t drive.�

Hear about the new Barbie divorcee doll? She comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

Rush Limbaugh really has the heart of a liberal. It’s in a jar on his desk.

Heidi Fleiss’ father has a defense for charges that he laundered her money: “I had to launder it. Do you realize where it’s been? “

I was surprised the first time I visited a park run by the federal government. I thought there’d be more paperwork lying around.

What’s this about Woody from “Cheers� going on a killing spree in “Natural Born Killers?� I always thought Cliff would be the one to snap.

The Pope’s new book is so full of chastity, the jacket won’t even come off.

With the ’94 elections, Republicans haven’t been this gleeful since the invention of the tax loophole.

The Postal Service may issue a new stamp honoring the marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. It’s a picture of Elvis getting his gun.

Can’t wait till they issue that new Richard Nixon postage stamp. It’s bound to be the first one where half the people spit on the side without the glue.

In an ecumenical spirit, Jews and Catholics got together and wrote liturgy to share at services. They call it “Oy Vey Maria.�

In a new study ranking the most difficult sentences to say with a straight face, first place went to: I’d like to introduce you to Congressman Bono.

The money-laundering ring that included rabbis may have been illegal, but at least it was kosher.

Police investigated a shooting at a San Francisco karaoke bar. When asked if he was hurt, one patron responded: Feelings, nothing more than feelings . . .

That the Reagans’ daughter, Patti Davis, appeared naked in a Playboy kick-boxing video should be a lesson for Lyle and Erik Menendez. There are plenty of ways to kill your parents without using a weapon.

Who would have ever guessed that the healthiest part of a Mexican-food meal would turn out to be eating the worm in a tequila bottle?

Ross Perot says that he’d run the government like a business. Sure he would. He’d take one look at the books and burn us down for the insurance money.

Defense attorneys for a Pennsylvania man who claims he killed his wife in his sleep have a compelling argument: Most men don’t lift a finger around the house when they are awake.

The merger of Ralphs and Alpha Beta food stores will give them the world’s largest collection of shopping carts with one defective wheel.

Chuck and Di have finally got child custody worked out for their divorce. His servants get them three days a week; her servants get them four.

Car rental companies have only one question on their return forms: “Did you buy gas?� This makes no sense. If they are limited to only one question, shouldn’t it be: “Did you ever utter the phrase, ‘Screw it, it’s a rental’? “