Coping With Depression, Loss During the Holidays

Losing a loved one is difficult at any time of the year, but the holidays often exacerbate the loss, says Patricia Drake-Emerson, hospice program manager for St. Jude Medical Center in Fullerton.

“The sense of depression and loss seems even greater during this time of year when everyone else is celebrating,” she says. “A person may look out on the world that seems so gay and think, I’ve lost someone dear; I’m miserable.”

If you have lost a loved one, here are some tips for dealing with the holidays:

* Continue family traditions. They provide continuity in your life at a time when you definitely need it.

* Do something to memorialize the individual. This will put meaning into the loss and keep the person in your thoughts. Make a trip to the cemetery, have a special religious service in his or her honor, donate something to a worthy cause, launch a balloon with the person’s name, show pictures of the loved one at a family gathering, or write a letter to him or her.

* Don’t isolate yourself. You’ll become even more depressed. Reach out to others and allow your friends to help. If you’re invited to a party, make a deal with yourself to go for just 15 minutes and then leave if you aren’t enjoying yourself. You may find that you have a good time.

* Reach out. There are bereavement groups in Orange County that offer individuals who have lost someone a chance to share with others.

* Talk about your loss. It’s important not to push down your feelings, but to feel and express them.

* Give it time. Everyone grieves in his or her own way, on his or her own timetable. The process may take years or even a lifetime.

* Don’t forget surviving children. If you have lost a child and have other children, although it’s difficult, it’s important to remember them and to realize that they are also grieving. It may be a good idea for them to visit a children’s bereavement group.

* Pamper yourself. This might be the time to take a trip and get away from it all. Take time for yourself. Get a massage, go out to dinner, see a play.

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If you know someone who has lost a loved one, keep the following in mind:

* Respect the feelings of the other person. If you’ve invited the person over for a party, your friend will come if he or she is ready. If a party is too much for him or her, suggest going for a walk or out for coffee.

* Talk about the lost loved one. People who have lost someone, cherish stories about the person that they might not have heard before. Don’t be afraid to bring up the person’s name.

* Reach out. Just saying, “call if you need anything,” is pretty useless, because most people who are grieving won’t call. Call them instead.

* Donate a gift in honor of the deceased person and then notify their loved ones. This shows that you are still thinking about the person and honor his or her memory.

* Ask what a person is doing for the holidays. Don’t assume he or she wants to be alone.

* Create excuses to drop by. If you bring food over, use your best dishes so you’ll have to return soon for a visit.

* Give it time. Realize that everyone has his or her own process to go through and there is no set time for grieving. Just because you want the best for your friend and would like him or her to be over it, that won’t necessarily happen. He or she may never be the same, and this is something you’ll have to accept.