LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Political post-mortem, Part II: “The GOP now has complete control of Congress and it’s a whole new ballgame for everybody. Republican Sen. Alphonse D’Amato announced that not only will there be Whitewater hearings, they’ll be held in Nuremburg.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Republican leaders breathed a sigh of relief Wednesday when lawyers told them their ‘contract with America’ is not legally binding.” (Bob Mills)

* “The new Republican agenda calls for elimination of welfare payments for a third child. They’re calling it ‘Three Tykes and You’re Out.’ ” (Will Couzin)

* “When right-wing Republicans get through with the Democrats, there won’t be anything left.” (Tony Peyser)

* “The power of House Speaker-to-Be Gingrich will be enormous. No bill will be able to pass without the Aye of Newt.” (Michael Connor)

* “Ted Kennedy was so thrilled with his victory that he promised he would lose weight. He’s going to fly to Palm Springs for a 28-day stay at the Betty Crocker Center.” (Hamilton)

* “After 34 years in Congress, Dan Rostenkowski says he’s looking forward to spending a little ‘quality time’ at home with his lawyers.” (Peyser)

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Also in the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray on the San Francisco newspaper-strike violence: “Newspaper people aren’t very good at starting riots. No matter what they throw, it always lands on the roof.”

Ray, on rapper Tupac Shakur’s trial for assaulting a woman in New York: “You can always tell when a rap artist has fallen on hard times. He’s using a court-appointed DJ.”

Mills, on toy maker Hasbro laying off 400 workers at its Rhode Island plant because of slow sales: “It is also mustering out 5,000 G.I. Joe dolls by offering them early retirement.”

Reader Alex Kaseberg, on recent headlines: “Jimmy Carter negotiates peace; Rolling Stones has the biggest rock tour; George Foreman is heavyweight champion of the world. I decided to put on bell-bottoms and get in line for gas.”

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LL salute to agents: “My agent spent six years in therapy getting in touch with his inner child. Now he’s in a 12-step program for adults who wet the bed.”

-- Rowland Kerr

“Nancy Kerrigan’s agent has left his wife and is now dating Nancy. But he still won’t return her phone calls.”

--Paul Ryan

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On a recent trip to the Los Angeles Zoo, reader Jim Slemaker of Pacific Palisades and his wife were teaching their 3-year-old daughter, Emily, about the various animal groups and their names. Slemaker asked his daughter, “If one goose is a goose, what are two of them called?”

“Daddy,” she replied, “more than one goose is sexual harassment.”