L.A. Rabbis Reach Out to Singles at High Holidays : Judaism: The unattached may feel left out at family-centered season. Services catering to their needs range from innovative to traditional.
The High Holy Days for members of the Jewish faith are fast approaching, and for many single Jews this time of atonement can be fraught with turmoil.
“It can be rough being single over the High Holidays because everything is so family-oriented,†said Renee Mandel, a Santa Monica screenwriter whose family lives in Florida. “What makes it bearable are my friends, who are my family away from home.â€
Especially for singles like Mandel, with families in far-off places, the 10-day period that culminates Sept. 15 in Yom Kippur, the Jewish New Year, can evoke feelings of alienation, depression and loneliness. Although people are encouraged to atone alone and engage in introspection during Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, these holidays promote family togetherness. Attending services alone can reinforce alone-in-a-crowd feelings.
So every year at this time, many single Jews face a dilemma: Where can they go where they can feel a part of--rather than apart from--the religious experience?
Los Angeles, unlike many other cities, offers a bounty of places for singles to worship over the High Holy Days, with some groups catering almost exclusively to the unattached.
The offerings run the gamut from innovative, participatory services conducted by lay people to more traditional services led by rabbis.
“Singles in L.A. are isolated. They’re rootless here,†says Rabbi Irwin Katsof, executive vice president of Aish HaTorah, an Orthodox group that will hold special services that cater to singles. “When you have so many Jews who come here from other places, it’s very easy for them to assimilate away. What we have done at Aish is develop a community for singles to feel a part of.â€
To that end, Aish HaTorah offers two teaching services, one for the twentysomething crowd and another for the thirtysomething-and-up contingent. The services will incorporate lots of explanations of the meaning and relevance of traditional prayers, many of which will be conducted in English.
If requested, Aish rabbis even will find singles a family with which they can share a Yom Kippur or Rosh Hashanah meal. “Beat alienation as a single in L.A.,†Katsof urges. “Have a meal with a rabbi.â€
One of the first organizations to recognize the need for singles-oriented services was Emet Young Professionals, which started holding them in 1976 in the San Fernando Valley. When the group folded in 1985, Jewish Singles Meeting Place took over.
Jewish Singles Meeting Place services are unique in that they are officiated by lay people, albeit people proficient in Hebrew. “We tell people this is your service,†said attorney Michael Klein, who helps plan and lead the services, to be held this year at Kadima Hebrew Academy in Woodland Hills.
“There’s a very different feel to our services. People are invited to bring things and share them--poems, readings. Or they can just speak about their feelings. My observation is that when people get a chance to express themselves as part of a service, it not only adds to their experience, but it brings others closer as well.
“People seem transformed when they feel that they are creating the service themselves instead of sitting and experiencing it as receivers only,†Klein added.
One of the most spirited programs for singles is led by Rabbi Shlomo Schwartz, an unorthodox Orthodox rabbi who offers free High Holy Days services and other social functions for Jews who are without significant others.
The bearded rabbi, whom many simply call “Schwartzee,†is a former Chabad leader who founded the nonprofit CHAI Center so he could present programs that more traditional rabbis would classify as off-the-wall.
The rabbi, who runs the center out of his Mar Vista home, says he seeks to reach the unreligious, with prayers explained and services conducted mostly in English. He also aims to inject humor into services by relating inspiring Hasidic stories and anecdotes.
His goal is to lure “Reform Jews, non-affiliated Jews--and any Jew that moves.â€
To drum up interest in his High Holy Days services, Schwartz distributes flyers containing such enticing statements as “No tickets! No appeals! FREE.â€
Fully aware that religious services do not draw people the way parties do, Schwartz has planned a Jewish New Year’s celebration after Rosh Hashanah services on Sept. 5 at 8 p.m. at the Pacific Hollywood Theatre. The rabbi says he doesn’t mind if people come to the party without going to services beforehand.
“Whatever works is where I’m at, because once they go to services, they love it,†said Schwartz, whose unusual brand of outreach included going to Woodstock ’94 to pass out apples to Jewish people and arrange for someone to blow the shofar from the main stage--activities to help usher in the Jewish New Year. “It tickles their Jewish soul, and they often tap sources of Jewish energy that they never knew they had. It hits the J spot,†he added, chuckling.
Schwartz has no qualms about his reasons for holding these services. Afterward, people socialize--which is what Schwartz most desires.
“I’ll be up front with you,†Schwartz said. “My motives are to get Jewish people together in large numbers and maybe even smuggle in some meaning too.
“Some people will only marry within the faith by accident. The goal of my work is orchestrating the accident. I want to perpetuate an endangered species.â€
Matchmaking also is on the minds of Orthodox rabbinic leaders at Aish HaTorah, who say that about 70 weddings have come about as a result of people meeting through programs at its Pico-Robertson site.
But Rabbi David Baron, who founded Temple Shalom for the Arts two years ago, advises against attending singles-oriented services with the intent of finding love.
“To go to a service with a singles mindset instead of with a prayerful mindset is the wrong approach,†said Baron, a single father whose 750-member congregation is about 40% singles. “I think you should go to temple and disregard your status--as single, divorced, happily married, unhappily married, whatever it may be--and go for a religious or soul-searching experience. Along that path you’ll encounter other people and maybe have a wonderful connection with someone who is seeking the same thing. That’s how it should operate.â€
The gay community also has a place that especially welcomes them. Billing itself as “Southern California’s progressive temple,†the West Hollywood-based Congregation Kol Ami was founded in 1992 by a group of 50 gays and lesbians.
“A lot of single folks fall through the cracks,†said Rabbi Denise Eger. “We’re trying to offer them a place where they can feel at home.â€
To experience a feeling of inclusion instead of isolation, some singles band together and meet at synagogues around town.
“Last year’s services at Temple Shalom were so moving and spiritually rewarding that I put a group together to go this year,†said Jane Lieberman, an entertainment publicist at Rogers & Cowan in Beverly Hills. “It’s always much more meaningful to share the worship experience.â€
