Everyone Except Dick Iceberg Will Be There Today

LILLEHAMMER, Norway â€”  It’s Lillehammer time!

Norway? Way! Today is the opening ceremony. Welcome to the Winter Olympics. I’m your host, Bob Sledd, along with my partner, Bjorn Free, coming to you live from greater metropolitan Oslo, where the four key words are cold, colder, coldest and yeeeeeeee-owwwwwwww! I don’t want to say it was cold here in the Northland yesterday, Bjorn, but my nose almost fell off my face. I’m talking Minus Six Degrees of Separation here.

Ya, your face looks like a teapot, Bob. Are those your ears or are you auditioning for the Norwegian production of “Dumbo?�

Very funny, Bjorn. Especially coming from a guy who thought Henrik Ibsen was the actor who played Jed Clampett and Barnaby Jones.

Let’s preview today’s opening ceremony, Bob. Here in the big Norge outdoor refrigerator, 66 different lands from around the globe will be represented in the big parade of nations!

I hope those men from American Samoa brought their flannels, Bjorn.

And some Chap-Stick, Bob.

Among the dignitaries here today, Bjorn, will be King Harald and Queen Sonja from your beautiful country!

Right you are, Bob. I had a chance to speak with the King last night at the big Heineken-Heineken Light party promoting Heineken Bowl XVII and “ABC’s Monday Night Skiing� with Dan Dierendoorfen.

Who was the King with, Bjorn?

The Palace Cowboy cheerleaders, Bob.

What did the King say, Bjorn?

He said, “It’s good to be the King,� Bob.

Say, how was that party, Bjorn?

Great, Bob! Great food! I had myself a double reindeer whopper with fries and a large Ovaltine shake. Mmmm, delicious. You should’ve been there.

Count me out, Bjorn. I can’t see myself eating Rudolph the red-nosed cheeseburger.

Well, then you should’ve come for the music, Bob. We had a live telecast featuring some of Scandinavia’s top performers! The Grateful Sled! Whitney Helsinki! Oslo Osborne! Myron Copenhagen! Andrew Ice Clay! Sardine Martin! Salmon Davis Jr.!

Must have had a big TV audience, Bjorn!

Oh, our Brigitte Nielsen ratings were huge, Bob!

Who else will be attending today’s opening ceremony, Bjorn?

Hillary Rodham Clinton’s coming.

Good! She can look at my frozen nose!

Why’s that, Bob?

Health care!

Maybe your First Lady will do the wave, Bob. When we went to Albertville two years ago, Francois Mitterand and Dan Quayle did the wave.

Probably to keep from freezing to their seats, Bjorn.

Didn’t Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson sit with the Vice President at the Albertville ceremonies, Bob?

Yep. I hear Florence Griffith Joyner’s going to be here with Mrs. Clinton today.

In this cold? Man, with those fingernails, she’s going to turn into a Swiss Army Knife.

Better drink some of that aquavit, Bjorn.

Ya, that’ll keep her warm.

That’ll keep her embalmed. Wow, Bjorn, I know this aquavit is your national drink, but this stuff comes in three flavors--super, regular and diesel.

Let’s begin the parade, Bob.

Right you are, Bjorn.

See all those beautiful ice skaters sitting by the King, Bob?

Yeah. How come, Bjorn?

It’s good to be the King, Bob.

Welcome to the Winter Olympics, everybody! On behalf of Bjorn Free, Al Pine, Jim Damply, Bob Frostas, Nestle Visser, Frozen O.J. Simpson, Long John Madden, Pat Winterall and our entire Lillehammer Olympic team, enjoy the opening ceremony, and stay tuned for, “Pneumonia, She Wrote,� right after the show!