Counselors Practice What They Preach : Couples can get tips from three sets of therapists in Orange County who learn from their clients and use their job skills to help their own marriages too.

What would happen if you and your spouse spent 24 hours in a hotel room with no diversions--not even television--to help you pass the time?

The answer may reveal more than you want to know about the state of your marriage.

Spending so many hours in such close quarters without any way to escape from intimacy would cause a lot of couples to “climb the walls,” says Costa Mesa therapist Lee Hachey, who uses the hotel room scenario to help clients see what’s missing in their marriages.

Hachey speaks not only as a professional counselor, but also as a happily married man when he tells couples in crisis that, if they’re willing to work at it, they can turn their relationship around and become one of those enviable pairs who would welcome an opportunity to shut out the world and focus exclusively on each other.

Hachey, 66, and his wife, Jeanne Nelson, 43, who is also a marriage and family therapist, say they would like nothing better than to spend 24 uninterrupted hours together in a hotel room. Or anywhere, for that matter. They can say that with confidence because, as therapists, they are better equipped than most couples to handle any conflicts that might arise during a quiet getaway involving a high level of intimacy.

That advantage is shared by other couples in which both partners are therapists, including Gerry and Linda Owen of Brea and Walt and Nancee Kempler of Laguna Hills.

Hachey and Nelson, the Owens and the Kemplers all say that counseling people who are struggling to make their relationships work has helped them keep their own marriages strong.

They not only make use of their professional training at home, they also have a greater opportunity than most to learn from the mistakes of others. And getting an inside view of their clients’ troubled marriages makes them acutely aware of how much love, commitment and effort it takes to build and maintain a satisfying long-term relationship.

Other couples can learn a lot from the way these therapists practice what they preach. As Hachey observed during a recent interview in the office suite he shares with Nelson: “When we have a problem, we go back to basics and do what we know works.”

Among the “tools of the trade” these counselor-couples make use of in their private lives are methods of communicating that prevent arguments from getting out of control and promote mutual understanding.

For example, when Hachey and Nelson, who have been married for 14 years, find themselves in the midst of a fight that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, they sometimes call time-out and initiate a “dialogue” structured in a way that forces each of them to be more attentive.

They take turns speaking for three minutes at a time--no interruptions allowed--and then each repeats what the other has said to make sure there are no misunderstandings. This keeps them from thinking about the next point they want to make when they should be listening to what their partner is saying.

Hachey and Nelson also bring heated exchanges under control by turning arguments into brainstorming sessions. Once they agree to brainstorm instead of fight, they stop making judgments and start generating ideas that lead to solutions, Nelson notes.

The Owens also have a strong track record when it comes to resolving their own marital conflicts. However, the marriage, family and child therapists admit that they sometimes fail to take advantage of the communication techniques they recommend to clients.

“We’re human, and we don’t always want--or remember--to use them,” Linda Owen says.

One technique that Gerry, 54, and Linda, 50, do use to extricate themselves from emotionally charged confrontations is letter writing.

When talk seems to be making matters worse, they pour their feelings out on paper, and then each reads the other’s letter aloud. They’ve found that letters can be a shortcut to understanding and forgiveness because, Linda Owen says, they “go to the core of what you’re feeling.”

The Kemplers also say that their professional experience has helped them communicate more effectively with each other.

“It’s hard to teach that it’s possible to talk through differences and then not do it at home,” says Walt, a 69-year-old psychiatrist who offers training programs for family counselors at the Kempler Institute in Costa Mesa.

He adds: “Because we’re in this field, we’re better than average listeners. That gives us an edge.”

Walt and his wife, Nancee, a 52-year-old marriage, family and child counselor, have discovered during their six-year marriage that, like their clients, they are most successful at resolving conflicts when they remember that they both want the same thing--what’s best for each other and for their relationship.

It’s all too easy for couples to become polarized when they are at odds and to approach a conflict with the wariness of prizefighters sizing each other up from opposite corners of the ring.

Walt says he is learning to step away from an adversarial position and remind Nancee of the common ground they share as “playmates, comrades and allies.”

In the middle of a conflict, he’ll stop arguing and say something like, “I’m looking for a way to talk about this with you as a friend alongside me.” That always makes it easier for Nancee to listen, she says, and it helps them both get past their anger so they can address the crucial question: “How can we work this out together?”

Neither of the Kemplers can tolerate the idea of allowing tension to linger. “The difference never sits between us. Very quickly, it’s out there and we’re looking at it, asking what we can do to resolve this,” Walt explains.

Marriage and family therapists are constantly reminded of the importance of confronting conflicts as they arise, because they see the deep rifts that develop between couples who have allowed their anger and resentment to build.

There are times when Hachey and Nelson agree to table an argument so that each can take some time to cool off, but they always come back to the issue later.

So do the Owens. Gerry explains: “We don’t let it go very long without knocking on the other one’s door and saying, ‘Can we talk?’ I get real sensitive when something is not resolving. It’s simply too uncomfortable to let it go. We’re committed to working through our problems and not letting them sit on the back burner.”

It’s easier to tackle marital problems when both partners believe in their ability to solve them. The Kemplers say that they always approach disputes with a sense of optimism because they’ve seen so many other couples work things out.

Walt compares his frame of mind to that of a plumber facing a particularly tough job: The problem may be difficult to solve, but he goes in knowing he can fix it.

Another advantage therapists have in confronting the challenges of married life is the ability to quickly recognize the underlying issues that can cause arguments to get blown out of proportion.

For example, the Owens point out, when Gerry went through a period of intense anger recently, Linda knew right away that it had nothing to do with her.

With her extensive experience helping people through the grieving process, she could see that her husband was still trying to come to terms with his mother’s death. So she was able to offer support rather than getting caught up in an argument that was merely a smoke screen.

On a lighter note, Hachey and Nelson recalled “the great anchovy battle” that threatened to disrupt the tranquillity of a vacation in Lake Tahoe. The fight began when Hachey refused to allow Nelson to have anchovies on her half of a pizza they were planning to share. They ended up having a tense meal somewhere else--and resuming the argument later.

A matter that should have been easily resolved turned into a major issue, because what was really bothering them had nothing to do with anchovies.

Hachey thought Nelson was being insensitive; she felt he was being rigid and controlling. Once they addressed those issues, they were able to laugh about their stubbornness at the pizza parlor. And they vowed never again to let anchovies come between them.

They have also vowed never to take each other for granted. “One reason we don’t have a lot of crises in our marriage is because we deal with each other from a positive perspective,” Nelson says. “Our relationship is nurturing. We know that at home, we’ll always get positive feedback.”

She says she has seen many couples who find it extremely difficult to offer each other compliments. Yet, she’s discovered, “every time I give a stroke to Lee, I’m giving one to myself, because it makes me feel like a loving, encouraging person.”

Hachey and Nelson agreed early in their marriage that the one who gets home first would drop everything when the other arrives and offer a warm greeting at the door. (The Owens have their own version of this ritual: They work out of the same office and take time for brief but energizing hugs between counseling sessions.)

Hachey and Nelson, the Owens and the Kemplers say they hope that the warmth they share in their own marriages will rub off on their clients. They consider themselves positive role models for other couples--not because they have perfect unions, but because they never stop trying to make their marriages better.