Of This, That and the Other

Personal to reader Sharon Stone: The Dodgers have banned cigarettes from Dodger Stadium. But what are the cops going to do, charge you with smoking?

--When I told a Dodger player that the team was banning cancer-causing agents, he said: “But he’s still negotiating my contract!�

--Warning: The surgeon general of the United States has determined that spitting and scratching in the batter’s box are gross and disgusting.

--A woman is the new public-address announcer for the San Francisco Giants. Some of the women I’ve seen at baseball games could do that job without a microphone.

--Pat Riley, Randy Pfund . . . separated at birth? Join us on the next “Geraldo.�

--Well, my calls are running about 10 to 1 that UCLA’s Jim Harrick is, indeed, Satan, that he doesn’t know a basketball from a basset hound, that his contract extension is the end of the Earth as we know it, that everybody in America knows more about coaching than Harrick does and that I am unqualified to support him, never having played in a Final Four myself. Thanks for calling.

--Some day there will be a Stanley Cup final between Dallas and Tampa Bay, and everyone in Canada will know that NHL hell has frozen over.

--Are the World Figure Skating Championships held weekly or monthly? I forget.

--I’ve heard of banjo hitters, but USC sophomore outfielder Shon Malani from Hawaii is an accomplished musician on the ukulele. His favorite song must be “Willie, Mickey and Duke Kahanamoku.�

--Ben Johnson should try one of those sports that gives you seven or eight chances for drug use--like baseball.

--I have this nightmare in which the International Amateur Athletic Federation insists on testing Bill Clinton after every lap around his new track.

--Vanderbilt won the SEC basketball championship? I thought she only made designer jeans.

--Quinn Buckner is leaving CBS for the Dallas Mavericks. Either way, he’s working for companies that literally or figuratively give their business a black eye.

--The real surprise about Ronnie Lott leaving the Raiders is that the New York Jets are the only team starting a quarterback older than Vince Evans.

--Pretty soon, Nolan Ryan and Carlton Fisk will be the only players in the majors who can get in for half price.

--When I first heard Winnipeg had a sensation named Teemu, I figured he was on loan from Sea World.

--Reggie White, an ordained minister, should go to the New England Patriots, because if ever a team didn’t have a prayer.

--Chicago commodities brokers are concerned about three things--the price of soybeans, the price of wheat and Michael Jordan’s corn, not in that order.

--What’s the difference between John Starks of the New York Knicks and a mugger in Central Park? Victims should be able to pick out either one of them from a lineup.

--Lisa Leslie and Nicky McCrimmon, USC basketball players, have written “Dick Vitale on My Mind� on their shoes to remind them of comments made about them in Vitale’s preseason magazine. By the way, Lisa and Nicky’s shoes also happen to resemble Dick Vitale--smooth at the top, wagging tongue, very supportive but not much sole.

--Well, so much for Tom Kite. He hasn’t won a tournament for days.

--I’m glad Florida has a team, but somehow I still can’t picture Joe DiMaggio wearing a teal uniform with a fish on his cap.

--Last one to leave the Pittsburgh Pirates, turn out the lights.

--Steinbrenner. He’s out there somewhere, waiting. I can feel it.

--Robert Altman should make a movie about the Iditarod dog race and call it “M*U*S*H.�

--If Lennox Lewis does win the heavyweight championship belt, he’ll be the only one in England having any fun this year wearing crown jewels.

I still say Rodney King resembles Karl Malone.

Now it’s time to say goodby To all our company. M-I-G Gee, what a stupid name for a hockey team. H-T-Y Why? Because we made a movie! D-U-C-K-S.