This Guy Appreciates Getting His Tees Free

After learning that the wife of one of the golfers at the Nissan Los Angeles Open had asked him last week for (gulp!) $168,000 a month in alimony, I came to have new respect for the expression greens fees.

So, I can’t tell you what a pleasure it was Thursday to wait by the 18th green at Riviera for Dennis Trixler to swing by.

Know how much money Trixler made on the PGA Tour last year?

$576.

No, not $576,000.

Five hundred and seventy-six dollars.

Which is why I can’t tell you how sorry I was when Trixler bogeyed the 14th, 15th, 16th and 18th holes after reaching three-under-par, one shot behind the leaders.

Darn it, Dennis.

You sure looked strong out there for a while, man.

“Yeah,” Trixler said behind the scorer’s tent at the 18th. “Strong on the first nine, but . . . on the second nine.”

It is entirely possible that I was more disappointed than Dennis was.

Sometimes, I feel as though I cover two things for a living--millionaires and billionaires.

I mean, it is getting nutty out there. Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen recently got fined $10,000 apiece for missing a news conference. Ten-thousand bucks for not saying no comment!

Dennis Trixler turned pro in 1980. Know how much money he has made on the PGA Tour since then?

$62,974.

Sixty thousand in 13 years.

No wonder I’m pulling for the guy. I identify with him.

As I stood there beside the 18th green, waiting for Trixler, I got to see a cavalcade of my favorite golfers--Ben Crenshaw, John Daly and Paul Azinger, among them. These guys might have precious little in common, personality-wise, but trust me when I say that one thing they do share is an interest in President Clinton’s tax program.

Among the three of them, I figure they made about $1.8 million on the tour last year.

(Not counting side bets.)

Trixler, meanwhile, has spent most of this decade either cashing checks at minor tournaments or going back to qualifying school. He made $684 on the PGA Tour in 1990 and not a dime in 1991.

And he isn’t one of those green teens like Tiger Woods or Ted Oh, who are old enough to play a round but not old enough to buy one. Trixler is 35. He’s got woods older than Tiger Woods.

Dennis sure did look like a million bucks during much of Thursday’s first round, scorching the front nine in 32.

“Had me thinking about old times,” he said.

That’s because Trixler never did better at any sanctioned PGA event than his tie for 10th at the L.A. Open in 1986.

If he finishes in the top 10 this time, I think the least they should do is give him a Nissan.

Things are actually going fairly well for Trixler this year. He shot five consecutive sub-70 rounds at the Bob Hope Classic, for example.

This was good for a tie for 19th place, because, as you might remember, Tom Kite shot five consecutive I Am Totally Out of My Ever-Loving Mind rounds at the Bob Hope Classic.

I was surprised at how well Trixler played there, because at Pebble Beach he was forced to play partners in the pro-am with a friend of mine, Rick (the Great White Squid) Reilly, who shot ink at him in a magazine article.

Didn’t seem to faze him. Trixler even outshot Kite here Thursday, so I’ve got $576 on him to win it all.

I made a point of walking out to the 18th green to watch him finish, right by the tent with the sign that reads: “Golfer Info--Ask Me! Where Is Your Favorite Pro? How Is He Doing?”

Being fickle, my favorite pro by tomorrow could turn out to be Russ Beiersdorf or Jim McGovern or Jay Don Blake, your early leaders.

And, naturally, I will be cheering for the defending champ, Fred Couples, who is the one whose wife asked him to pony up $168,000 a month in golfimony.

Eventually, the divorce settlement granted her $52,000 monthly. She may be getting less this month, this being February.