It Helps to Talk When ‘You Hurt So Much’

Sandy Moore is blunt when asked to describe the impact of her daughter’s death.

“It ruined our family,� she said. “It just will never be the same. We’re all functioning because we’re that type of people, but it’s very difficult.�

Moore, an elementary school teacher, was sitting at her kitchen table after work recently.

Joining her were Deanna, her 12-year-old daughter, and Bryan Newport, the boyfriend of Tara, Sandy and Kirk Moores’ 15-year-old daughter who was killed in August in an automobile accident just blocks from their Laguna Niguel home.

Her family is getting a lot of help. They’re each seeing a private counselor, and the Moores are completing their second eight-week session with the children’s bereavement support group Necessary Steps.

Bryan, 17, has been attending group meetings for adolescents with Deanna.

“I just felt this is such a really hard thing for teen-agers,� Moore said, “and I thought it would be a good place for him to be able to have a place to express himself, too. His pain is very deep.�

Moore said Deanna “needed to know that there were other people who were suffering because she felt so different and so alone.�

The first few months after Tara’s death were especially difficult for Deanna at school.

Her grades haven’t dropped greatly, Moore said, “but they could if her teachers weren’t very understanding.�

Deanna acknowledged that it’s difficult to focus on her schoolwork; her sister occupies her mind “all the time.�

Bryan and Deanna say they’ve found it easier to open up in the small group setting. For Bryan, it’s knowing there’s a “certain time� he can talk about the impact of Tara’s death.

“It helps,� he said quietly, “because you’re always hurting so much.�

Bryan said he would like to talk to his friends, “but you can’t really. They don’t understand as much as people at the meeting.�

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Asked if any of her friends are uncomfortable bringing up the subject of her sister’s death, Deanna said, “Well, I don’t know. . . . I seriously don’t have any friends.�

Moore gazed across the table at her daughter.

“That’s how it’s affected things,� she said. “Deanna used to have a lot of friends . . . (but) she’s gotten very introspective. Deanna is a real extrovert and very funny and has a good sense of humor, and that kind of went away . . . .

“I have faith in her to heal. But I think the pain and everything has been horrible, and it’s very hard to understand when you’re a kid.�

There’s no question in her mind that her family and Bryan are further along in dealing with Tara’s death than they would be without the support group.

“We have to kind of fake it through the day; I have to glue on a smile, just let things roll off,� she said.

“But as Bryan was saying, (the support group) gives you one time where you know you can talk.�